In the process of my 5th loss. Ranging from 4-11 weeks. I feel empty. Angry. Broken. Alone. Guilty that maybe I’m doing something wrong. I am sobbing in the other room while my husband is sleeping. He’s so supportive during this time but sometimes I just need to cry alone. I’m trying not to be angry at God cause damn it this is so hard. I know he has a plan but I can’t fathom a reason to let me be pregnant and to lose them. Why? I’m so fucking hurt. I’ve had every test done to figure out the cause of the miscarriages but there’s no reason for it. Not one they can find. Maybe I’m unlucky unfortunately they said. Keep trying, one will stick. Thanks doc. 5 losses in 2 1/2 years. My soul is crushed. I’m distancing myself from everyone. I can’t even see a baby without feeling like my chest is caving in. Never in a million years did I think this would be me. I had this life planned in my head and I was so naive to believe it would happen. My entire life all I wanted to be was a mother and wife. I wanted a family. I want and need a child so badly I’m bitter towards new moms and I HATE myself for it. My losses aren’t there fault and they sure as hell don’t deserve to lose their babies. I’m just angry and bitter it’s never my turn. Pregnancy announcements make me cry. Gender reveals. Baby clothes. Bottles. Babies crying. Baby commercials. Everything hurts. This isn’t fair. I’m so hurt. I wrote letters to this last baby in hopes they could read them one day and know just how much I love them. But they will never read them. I will never hold them, kiss them, watch them grow up or even feel them kick inside me. My whole world feels like it’s crashing.