Afraid and hopeless

I’ve known for at least three weeks that my pregnancy wasn’t viable. I wasn’t given the choice to do anything when I found out. I was told I needed to wait two weeks. As my first pregnancy, I knew nothing of what was to come.

Two weeks later and I chose a D&C but it couldn’t be done for another week because of Thanksgiving.

Now here I sit, the morning of my scheduled D&C rocking myself back and forth through painful cramps while I bleed heavily. Seeing things I never wanted to see and feeling things I never wanted to feel. I would have been 13 weeks today. It took my body over 6 weeks to recognize a miscarriage.

To have all semblance of control and choice in this matter stripped away from me is almost as frustrating as the decision God made to not let me have this baby.

I feel like I’ve lost my dignity in this experience. I’m not as strong as I thought I was.

I can’t even begin to imagine getting pregnant again after this. I hold so much fear and anxiety in my heart now 😞