Was it assault?

This is gonna be a long, sad story so ladies get ya popcorn.

I was in 8th grade, it was September 2016 and I was just turning 14. I got together with my first love. He was in 7th grade, and not exactly everyone’s favorite. We had been together for about a month and a half, and I was really happy with him.

One night we went and hung out with my best friend Sam. He stole a condom from her (she was also in a relationship) and we went back to my house after a few hours. I didn’t know he took it until we went to my room and he pulled it out of his pocket.

He got on top of me and was BEGGING me to have sex with him. I kept saying no. I said no for a good 10 minutes before I gave up and just said “fine.” He put the condom on, put literally just the tip in and after a good 2 minutes, I said “stop, get off of me.”

He did eventually, and cleaned up and stuff. He looked at me, smirking, and went “how does it feel to not be a virgin anymore?” I was mortified. I have severe body dysmorphia along with depression and anxiety. I was at my most vulnerable state and I felt completely used.

He moved that December, two days before Christmas. I was heartbroken. I was losing my best friend and my boyfriend. People told me I need to let him go, but I couldn’t. I spent as much time with him as possible. The day he left was the worst day of my life. I still miss him.

After a few weeks, we got into a bad argument where he told me I faked my depression. He called me a slut. He admitted to trying to get with other girls. I told him he was an awful person. I told my friends and they opened my eyes to have me realize I was being mentally abused. We had a conversation that went somewhat okay that April, and then another one a few months after.

I still love him somehow. I don’t hate him, I really miss him. I crave him being here still. It’s been almost 2 years since he moved. I can’t delete the pictures and videos and I feel guilt that it’s my fault that we went wrong and that he’s right about me. Survivors guilt is a bitch. PTSD fucking sucks. I’m just left with one question, did he sexually assault/abuse me? I ended up saying yes, but it was pressured and I didn’t want it. I’m so confused and broken and I just need answers.