I want to start off by saying that I’m really unsure of what I’m posting, I’m unsure of what I’m trying to ask. I guess I just need someone else’s thoughts other than my own. So this may be long since I don’t know exactly what I’m about to write.

General info: I’ve been happily married for a little over 3 years now, been together more than 6.

General Story: Yesterday morning I found out that my ex, my first love, my first heartbreak, committed suicide the night before.

Story on my ex: We initially started dating when we were very young, lost our virginities to each other very young and ultimately the relationship didn’t last. However after we broke up we remained friends and continued to see each other “intimately” for a while until one of us got into another relationship. We stopped talking for a couple of years and I had a baby with my then bf(which that relationship didn’t even make it to the birth of my child). Fast forward and my child is about 11 months old. My first ex and I reconnect and we decide we would like to try at our relationship again so we start dating once more. Through the relationship we had our good days and our bad, our relationship was more intense than the first time, we loved each other more than the first, but also had more troubles. Eventually I had to end the relationship after finding out that he had begun to use Heroin with a friend. I started noticing differences in him and was told by many he had been unfaithful during this time of using(which he denied). Unfortunately I could not continue with the relationship since I had a child I had to consider(plus there was so much else to consider). At that point he was very hurt with my decision(as was I). We didn’t speak for a few months then out of the blue he called that he wanted to see me. I set aside some time and met with him. We reconciled our differences and he apologized for putting me and my child in that situation and informed me he had stopped using and had gotten help. I apologized for not sticking through it to help him. We said we would hang out again, but that ended up being the last time I talked to him or saw him. He went off the grid and I didn’t hear from him. Roughly a year and a half to two years later I began dating my now husband. I had thought about him now and again, just hoping that he was okay. I had heard he had a few different relationships here and there, so hoping he had found someone to spend his life with. Then a little over a year ago he finds me on social media and sends me a request. I accepted but we never talked. Then yesterday morning I found out the news. Apparently he was still having problems with drugs and having some relationship issues, as per his mother.

So now I find myself upset with the loss.

My thing is I haven’t been in love with him for a very long time. I haven’t spoken with him in a very long time, so why is it upsetting? Should I feel bad or guilty for feeling upset? In a sense I feel like I shouldn’t be, now that I’ve been in a loving relationship with my husband(who I love more than I’ve loved anyone before including my ex)

I feel like in a sense my relationship with my ex “died” along time ago. We would have never dated again. It’s not like I’m going to miss his company or as if there was even a chance I would ever talk to him again, because I probably would have gone the rest of my life without having a conversation with him. But just knowing what happened upsets me. Is it because he was a part of my past? Is it because it’s just a sad topic in general?

Please, any opinion helps. I just need other opinions from people who don’t know me, my relationship, or my life and I figured here would be a good place for that.

I really appreciate it in advance! And sorry for the long post.