All I want for Christmas is...

For my husband to want me.

It's all I've ever wanted.

But when I replay all of the events and things said over the last 7 years, there's no way he could possibly want me.

He told me 4 days before my daughter was born, that he had been cheating on me with the same woman, for 3 years on and off again.

It crushed me.

After weeks of pecking at him and asking questions I finally got the truth.

Because shes thin, toned and looks good naked.

I hate myself.

He apologized profusely, cried, told me I should just leave because he doesn't deserve me. But I stayed. I wanted to be the bigger person, I wanted to show him just how much I loved him so I told him that I forgave him and that it was up to him to repair this damage if he wanted to. He agreed.

But he hasn't.

We've had sex twice in the last 3 months and it was terrible. Like he couldn't wait to get it over with. No foreplay, no kissing, nothing like that.

I've tried to be sexier. I buy things he says he likes, but I don't think he likes them on me, as he always looks away when I wear them. Or he laughs because he says he feels awkward.

I wore leggings and high heels when we went out the other night. I TRIED to look good, and he said nothing. Even after I complimented him saying he looked handsome.

I'm overweight yes, but I'm TRYING to lose it. It's not as easy as it was before I had two kids. I've lost 45 POUNDS since starting and I think I look great! But he hasn't said anything good once without me asking. But the man loses 20lbs and hes a freaking greek god and wont shut up about it.

Recently, I met a man and he's sweet and charming. He knows about my husband, and calls him the biggest idiot he's ever heard of.

When he found out that my husband never touches me, and I always leave my shirt on because he hates the way I look. He said to me, "I would kiss every inch of your body and thank you for giving me children."

I cried. I want that so bad.

I want someone to love me for me. For someone to realize the work I put in growing two children, the first of which was absolutely huge.

I want someone to touch me because they're attracted to me and want me for once.

That's all I want.

I want that someone to be my husband because I love him. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone (say for my children) but it's too much for him to feel the same I suppose.

I feel so horribly disgusting that when a man does show interest in me, I feel like it's a fetish.

I want my husband. I've always wanted him before dad bod, with the dad bod, after the cheating and the lies, I wanted him. I just want him to want me too. It's just all so frustrating.