Crying? (See Below)

I’m not sure if this is normal or I might just need to see a Dr for possible postpartum depression or maybe I’m just going 🥜 due to sleep deprivation?

Sometimes when holding my 2 month old and she just stares at me with those big blue eyes; I can’t help but cry.

This is a long story but I’ll give you the short version.......We tried for 10 yrs to have a baby; we tried multiple fertility meds, IUI treatments, and even IVF. I got pregnant 9x and we lost them all. The ninth time was even through IVF and the embryos traveled up my tube and implanted on the edge of my ovary and I ended up having to have a tubal removal done where they found that both eggs had implanted there (twins). After that loss and knowing we have lost 10 babies the stars I knew I needed to take a break from fighting so hard.

About a 2 yrs later I had missed a couple of periods (normal for me I have PCOS and Endo) so I took a test just to see if I could kick my cycle in to play (sometimes worked). After I took it I went back to bed but didn’t look at results. When I looked 3 hrs later I started to bawl (not happy crying). I was terrified, so scared to loose another baby, I knew I mentally wasn’t prepared. We ended up being 6 wks along but that didn’t take the fear away (terrified the whole pregnancy). I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop.

She literally gave us scares at every turn it wasn’t funny(I’m sure she’ll think it is) First they couldn’t see her heart or gender properly because she wouldn’t let them. Second we found out she had too much fluid on one of her ventricles, had to see a specialist. Then once she was finally here we thought we where out of the woods and 24 hrs after she was born she stopped breathing multiple times (Apnea) and ended up in the NICU. Mind you I went to full term and had a csection because she was breach and also 10lbs 1oz and 23 1/2 inches long; most babies only get this when premature. I also have many lung issues (have never smoked and my parents don’t either).

Now she is currently a healthy little chunk. But every time she stares at me with those big blue eyes I wonder how we got this far, how did we get so lucky this time, did her sisters/brothers protect her because they knew mommy and daddy couldn’t loose another baby, and are they watching over her now from the stars above. This is why I worry that this isn’t normal!

Every time I cry though she pulls her pacifier out when in and smiles at me and starts to coo and babble!