I have extreme anxiety/anger issues. Lots of people have panic attacks in different ways. Mine end up in anger. I end up saying terrible things to whoever I'm with, which is usually my mom. Things I don't mean. I only know this because she tells me. I usually don't properly remember it later. Tonight when I was having an anxiety attack/anger breakdown my mom pulled out her phone and wouldn't stop saying she was going to record me. As someone who usually can't stand to look in the mirror, the thought of a camera on me set me off and I screamed f*ck you. A lot. I hate myself for being this way. She never fails to tell me how much I break her heart all the time. I try to apologize later, and all she says is "k" or just a short, cold "ok." I know I can't get away with saying horrible things, but it all starts with feeling anxious. And pretty much ends in flames. I'm trying to get help. I know I need it so please don't judge me too harshly. I feel bad enough. I understand that I hurt her but I don't think she understands that I don't do this shit for fun. I'm scared that the only memories she'll have of me are these angry ones and I can't stand it. And feeling unforgiven makes it worse. I feel wrong for wanting her to be more understanding. Like maybe I should just accept that I'm a terrible human and not expect anything from anyone. I certainly don't deserve it.