A lot about me: I’m 17 years old and live in the bay area. I’ve been mentally ill since 5th grade, when my mom made me move to a new city without telling my dad. They never married and only lived together for me and my brothers sake, and I didn’t really understand what was happening at the time. I’m diagnosed with major depressive and generalized anxiety disorder. I believe the health care I’ve received has yet to diagnosis me with other things and I try not to diagnosis myself but I feel like I’m going crazy. I’m supposed to be taking lexapro and gabapentin but it’s been about 2 months since I’ve taken them. I haven’t seen my psychologist or therapist in months, I got them so I could get meds and then I saw them a second and third time when I went to intensive outpatient treatment (fuck Kaiser they’re awful). I believe the program did help but I wasn’t there long enough and I honestly don’t think it was intensive enough to be effective. After a major breakdown last week that almost resorted in me calling 911 bc I felt unsafe with myself, I’ve been considering inpatient treatment or going back to the IOP. However, I’m starting a new job soon and I really can’t afford to quit it. Due to my mental illness, I ended up isolating myself and missed a LOT of school over the years. It would take a fifth year of high school for me to graduate so I’m dropping out in April to take the GED. I haven’t seen any of my teachers besides art and therapy class in months. Even now, I have a hard time leaving my house. I lost a lot of friends after isolating myself so often, and I don’t know how to make new ones. I feel like my current friends don’t care about that much. I have a boyfriend and he’s aware of some of these things but I’m already scared of losing him and I don’t want to dump all of this on him. My mother is often verbally abusive and I plan to move out as soon as possible. My dad is pretty absent in my life, and I can’t live with him because I don’t get along with my stepmom and it’s just as bad as living with my mom.

My mental health is deteriorating everyday, I have no energy, I sleep all day and stay up all night, I seldom leave my house, my self confidence is nonexistent, I can’t do basic things like clean my filthy room or take a shower because my body disgusts me, I feel like I’m barely a person anymore.

I want to get better. I want to learn art again take the GED and move out and go to community college and finally be happy again. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so lonely and sad and my life is years behind where it should be that I don’t know where to start. What do I do???

Also sorry this post is so extremely long and depressing this isn’t even the full story