I feel like I'm falling into a mind-frame I haven't been in for a long time. Everything is one big blur and I dread getting out of bed cause there's just nothing to look forwards to. I can't get up without forcing myself to. I can't feel joy. I eat to fill up a void and I'm getting fat from it. So I starve myself to get rid of the fat and that only makes me fall back into old ways I didn't want to go back to.

I feel useless and I feel like everyone around me is trying to wish me away. And I feel like I'm trying to wish me away too. Like no one thinks I have any worth and no one wants to hang out with me or text me or love me.

And this kind of feeling is one I haven't had since 2016. And it makes me subconsciously seek out an exit all the time. I'm in the X-Ray room and I look at the coat hanger on the wall. Could I hang myself off that somehow? What about the big hanging light in the treatment room? Or the shower head coil? Maybe the street lights on the way home? Maybe I could get hold of a gun? Maybe I should just jab myself where it hurts?

I know suicide is a taboo. I know I can't go telling people that I feel this way. And I know deep down it's not a good thing, but I have started to just see it as an option.

"I could do this, or do that, or do that, but if things don't go well, if I'm not happy in my future career, if my boyfriend keeps making me unhappy, if I can't get the things I want in life, if I keep feeling this way, I can just leave. I can't be forced to stay here".

I'm not in therapy and I don't trust therapists because my last one made me feel about 20x worse than I was already feeling. Maybe it's unfair to generalise, I'm sure they help a lot of people. But I can't take the risk again.

And I'm running and running and running away from this feeling but it's arrive and anywhere I turn it doesn't go away. I try to hang out with the people I care about, but I just don't care anymore. My mind is somewhere else. I just hang out with them to tick something off the list. To make me feel worth something, valued. And anything else I do makes me feel alone. Reclusive. Uncared about. I feel like the world is forgetting me. And I know it doesn't have to be this way but I also don't know how to escape. To find my medium again. Or whether it's even possible to.