how do you do it?

Question

My husband and I have three beautiful children together 1, 2, and 9. I stay home with the littles while my husband works to provide for the family. I also run my own business by the weekend as a photographer.

I’m thankful for what he does but it has become a lot and I feel as if I’m at me wit ends. My husband leaves for work before we all wake up for the day and he’s home an hour prior to the children’s bedtime almost every single day excluding the weekends when he’s home for the most part.

My husband wants me to be happy and full of life and welcome home with open arms everyday when he comes home but I’d rather take off and sit alone to get any piece of quiet time or time alone. But, it’s usually time to start the bedtime routine for the kids which has lately taken over an hour and unfortunately everything has to be done by me or it won’t get done. Once all the kids are in bed, husband knocks out and I’m up until 2-3 in the morning every night. I mean every single night doing household chores and completing business things. Then I’m back up at 6:30 to do it all over again.

This is a daily thing. I’ve tried to sit down and talk to my husband and he always stops me and tells me he doesn’t do feelings and I just have to deal with what’s dealt. Literally, at my wit ends.

My husband will not take a day off, a half day, or even help with taking the kids to the doctors. I take them by myself. Our family doesn’t want to help as we have three kids. Who wants to watch three kids?

Since I’ve been told I need to figure responsibilities out during the day by myself, I have used care.com but it becomes pricey and I hate people I don’t know coming inside of my house.

I’m curious to know how you stay at home moms love life? Some of you are perky and well rested and make it seem so easy. Would love to be one of those Pinterest moms who are crafty, always making food, welcome hubby home with open arms etc. it’ll never happen but was good to say. Lol

Answer

I stopped reading when you said he tells you he doesn’t do feelings. You’re a unit, a partnership, and feelings are always involved. This isn’t about feelings as much as it is about your mental health. The only way I see this improving is you somehow getting through to him. Communication is number one, always

Answer

My husband works on the road and is t home as much as he’d like. It’s basically single mom status. I’m so accustomed to it that it actually throws me off when he is home to help out. My husband certainly wouldn’t tell me to deal with it- I’d have a whole nother revelation for that kind of thinking. This is my first year staying home- I have a 10 year, 7 year, 10 month and 23 weeks pregnant. I get so bored at home. The summer was great and we did stuff all the time but now it’s cold and I am so bored with the older boys at school. Although, I do enjoy the break. I make my older kids help with stuff too. They aren’t assigned chores but when I need help they’re asked and expected to do so. They hate it every time but I explain to them (falling on deaf ears) that they will HELP and if they don’t learn how to do these things now they will not be good at taking care of themselves as adults. I do not have a business to manage. I do have help from people around me. You said “who wants to watch three kids” and I cringed. My family and friends are more than willing to take any and all of my kids if I need it. My sister in law basically begs me for them and she has two of her own. I’m so sorry you don’t have a good support system. Also, your husband better learn “to do feelings” if he expects your arms to be welcoming him home each night. As a man, you do not simply bring home the bacon and lose all responsibility after that. You are also a husband and a father- those titles come with task and duty aside from providing. Sorry girl, you need a break and a breakthrough with that hubby. He said I do to more than he thought I guess.

Answer

1st-everyone does feelings....his problem is that his feelings are being met, and he doesn’t want to meet yours.
2nd-it’s a joint effort. Your children are shared, and so are the responsibilities. Sure, you’re doing more work during the day since you’re home...however, he isn’t exempt from helping out. 
3rd-Pinterest parents don’t exist! I LOVE doing crafts, playing games, and baking with my girls...but between that and bedtime, we watch tv, I scream, cry, play with electronics, and other things that aren’t “picture perfect”. We all do what we can (and what interests us). 
I’m a semi SAHM, and I’m home during the day, but work a few hours at night (and from home during the day). It’s absolutely exhausting, and my work does come second, because it isn’t what pays the bills...however, I absolutely expect my husband to give me a break when I need one.
If your husband isn’t willing to pull his weight, lay down the law and tell him what is happening. If he isn’t on board, tell him you know you can do it alone (since you already are), and go find yourself someone who is emotionally, physically, and financially supportive. You and your children deserve nothing less.

Answer

Me when my hubby get home I tell him hers the kids and I need a break. You kinda have to force them if not then you'll just be walked over

Answer

Ugh I wish I had advice but all i can say is my husband helping and my not having to run a business is 100% why i can be happy and less stressed. And even with all his help I'm still never going to be a "pinterest Mom." Being a SAHM is hard work and I'm sorry he doesn't appreciate that. Is there any way you can get someone in to clean for you? Or if you have any prepared meal delivery services in your area? I know you said you dont like people in your house but help is always nice.

Answer

Let me say that it's really unfair that your husband "doesn't do feelings". That's literally the foundation of any relationship. If it were me I would keep trying to have conversations but I would make them more serious- you don't have to threaten divorce but I feel like the tone should be "if something doesn't give then I can't see myself being happy In this marriage". In the meantime, would your family be willing to watch one or two of the children? We're members of the YMCA and they frequently have parents night out events. The baby couldn't go, but the two older ones could  do something like that and maybe a family member could watch the baby? I use the Y a lot- they have childcare included in the membership. They will watch your kids for up to 2.5 hours. Even if you're not working out, you could sit in the locker room and watch Netflix on your phone if you really need a break haha. Sometimes I'll go swim, just an easy swim to relax. Don't stress about being a Pinterest mom. It's all an illusion. Your happiness comes first. Happy mom, happy kids.

Answer

I legit have a schedule for everything. Cleaning times cooking times etc. My kids are 2 and 1 and i help run his business. But even throughout the day I'm thinking about him and missing him and make an effort to be happy and loveable when he gets home. Its hard not be whwn he is gone so long. But me and my husband are best friends. What does he mean by he doesn't do feelings?

Answer

I take it day by day because if I think about the future I will go crazy! Plus, I know Pinterest is fake and even the most perfect pinterest mom has her flaws and hardships. You know pinterest mom's husband is doing something to annoy her too Haha! And you know she doesn't have it all together! Nobody does. You'd have to have complete mind control over your kids and husband for that to happen and then still probably have problems.

how do you do it?

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