I am generally rather stable, however, even medicated, I hit lows. When I do, I start acting in ways that are self-destructive.

As an example, I start arguing with my spouse and son more.

On a side-note, I am a sadomasochist. When I am hitting my lows, I start looking for ways to be abused, sexually. I will seek out the company of strange men.

I tend to do so in seriously dangerous ways. Trying to link up in hotels, bondage, breath play, pain games. They aren't fun, they aren't what I really want to do. Hell, I don't even like pain (I'm more of a misery type).

While I enjoy a lot of these games with my spouse, and I really do enjoy them, this is not the type of healthy relationship in which I'd like to enjoy them. But for some reason, when I hit my lows, I crave it. I want it.

I don't get it.

What are some of your self-destructive behaviors when you are low? How do you deal with them?

Another side note, I am already seeing a therapist and will also be discussing this with them.