One morning I woke up and I was going to be a mommy....

I spent my morning reading books and forums about the first trimester. What should happen, what shouldn’t... I got on the internet, googled, and took screenshots of every possible nursery idea that I even remotely liked. I had it all figured out. I mean, I had been waiting for this for 6 years!

I looked at my body and wondered how it would change (even though I already knew everything about pregnancy). How would it feel to be pregnant? I positively could not wait for morning sickness, leaky boobs, and mucus plugs (no one could tell me any different). I wanted every symptom possible! Then there would be the most fun part, those tiny kicks. How would they feel? My tiny ninja.. I already loved you so. ❤️

I spent time thinking about pregnancy reveals, gender reveals, and baby showers (a little soon I know), I couldn’t wait to share the good news of something I wanted so so bad.

I thought about taking my little one out in public, in their little car seat, and finally being the center of attention while people were in awe of my little family. It was finally my turn!

Most of all, I thought about how I would raise Itty Bitty. I knew that I would be a good mom... A GREAT MOM. This baby was already my life, my breath, my everything and I would do anything possible to be the best mommy I could be. All I wanted was for them to grow up to be a good person... honest, caring, empathetic. S/he would leave their mark on the world. I just knew it!

One morning I woke up and I could feel what little symptoms I had been having disappear... I could feel you fading away. I prayed for you. I prayed so, so hard but you were already gone. That moment, that heartbreaking moment, was the moment I stopped believing. How could God give me something I wanted so bad and then rip it away from me taking my heart and soul with it. The physical pain of loss that I was feeling was nothing compared to how it affects you emotionally.

Six years, four months, and four days later I had my second miscarriage (believe me, it doesn’t get any easier). When I found out I was pregnant this time, I couldn’t believe I had a 2nd chance. Especially being over 30. However, on Easter this time, I lost my 2nd baby.

*An angel in the book of life wrote down my babies’ births and whispered as she closed the book “too beautiful for earth”.

Today, I’m 34. And I know time is slipping away from me. I’ve became so bitter, so jealous, and so angry. What did I do to deserve this life? Just like my two babies, I’m fading away...

💛12-2-2010💛

💛04-16-2016💛