I thought this time would be different! We have been through 4 miscarriages. Never had an issue getting pregnant but after having a huge fibroid removed 2 years ago we have been struggling. we didn’t want to keep waiting so we did Several IUIs which failed so we decided to do <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IVF</a>. It was a big decision because I didn’t think I could handle the failure if we weren’t able to get pregnant after all the meds, visits and money but I couldn’t give up hope.

I developed OHSS after my retrieval so we waited and did a FET. Transferred 3, 3 day embryos and 1 stuck! We were pregnant! Our immediate family knew we were doing <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IVF</a> but we never told them we did the transfer. So now we could surprise them with the good news. Thanksgiving we took turns with grace and at the very end my husband said how thankful we are for the family that’s been through it all with us and for our baby! (He did all of this through tons of tears). Our family freaked out with cheers and tears! Not one dry eye in the house. This is the news they’ve all been waiting for! The following weeks were filled with happy family times, my growing belly, and gender predictions! After all we have had weekly ultrasounds showing our growing baby and strong heartbeat. Yes at 5 weeks I had some bleeding and freaked out but our baby was fine! I tried to keep my nervousness at bay and every time we had a new ultrasound that evil voice got softer and softer. This one would be different.

Then one day I was home with a migraine. I had the smallest amount of pink discharge when I wiped, I mean tiny! But it brought me back to that one time years before when I had the same thing. It was so small I didn’t mention it at the OB appt 15 min later. Not until the doctor said there was no heartbeat. We didn’t understand that day. It was our 1st miscarriage. We were broken for a long time. But this time I thought, nope not the same! Our baby is growing! I didn’t even mention it to my husband. Besides, we had our weekly appt the very next day and I thought everything would be fine.

Here we were 9 weeks, 4 days. I look at the ultrasound screen and the baby is so big! It’s grown so much from the week before. But why does the doctor keep asking me if I’m spotting. Why is he questioning how far along I am. He said the baby is only 9 weeks, 3 days. I’m like that’s only 1 day off, look how big he is! The doctor says there’s no heartbeat. I argue! There has to be! Keep looking! I only had the smallest tiniest pink discharge. No cramping, nothing! Keep looking! He says there’s no heartbeat. He suggests a 2nd opinion (he’s my <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IVF</a> dr). I know it was just for my peace of mind but I thought he was wrong. I had my first OB appt scheduled for the very next day, Friday. I call them and tell them what has happened. I need a 2nd opinion. They move my appt to the morning to give me peace of mind. We see our baby again, and still no heartbeat. The OB agrees. I can’t believe this is happening. I want a d&c asap! I can’t handle going through another miscarriage naturally. We schedule it for Monday.

I’m in shock. I am angry. I am sad. It’s not fair. This one was different. I’m totally showing. I even have those ugly red stretch marks on my belly. Our Christmas Pjs say Mama Bear and Papa Bear. Our little nieces and nephews are excited for a new cousin. I have maternity clothes and pregnancy pillows and tons of nausea remedies. Our New Years announcement was planned.

But here we go again. I want to just pack a bag and run away. I don’t want to see anyone. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I just want to be alone in my pain. He’s the best. And he’s hurting as much as I am. He cries with me and without me. We loved this baby so much already. I am thankful for him.

Monday as they rolled me into surgery, I lost it. They were taking my baby! When I wake up, he will be gone. I’m thinking I can’t believe I’m going through this again. Then I wake up and lose it even more. That full bodied, hysterical crying that can’t be soothed. My baby is gone. I just want to go back to sleep. I want the pain to go away. It’s not fair. I just want one. I’ve always just wanted one. Why can’t we have just one. Why do we have to go through this pain. It’s just not fair. A pain with no answers because I’m perfectly healthy and there’s no reason for this happening... yet it does. And now I’ve said goodbye to my 5th baby. The one I thought I would get to meet. The one that kept growing and the one I bonded with every single day inside my growing belly. And now my baby is gone.