Just need to talk

3 days ago I had a D&C, I was 15 weeks and 2 days. The baby was a boy and had a name and all of the genetic testing had come back fine a few weeks before. I was not prepared for this loss. I did have an early m/c at 5 weeks in March, and as far as I know these are the first two losses I have experienced. I have three healthy children from a previous marriage. My husband has two healthy children from a previous marriage, but this was the 4th and 5th m/c he’s experienced. Now he’s convinced it’s his fault. Of course, I’m convinced it’s mine because I was the one carrying him. Either way, we’re trying to hold onto one another and personally, I’m clinging to the hope that we can rally and try again soon. I want another child. I want one with him. He is the love of my life but I feel like we’re running out of time. I’m 39 and he’s almost 49. We don’t really want to do IVF.

I think the thing I’m having the hardest time with right now, other than the actual, crushing loss and grief, is that my body still looks and feels very pregnant. I’m crying every day, my boobs are sore and huge, I still have a pronounced bump. All of my family and friends knew and where as before I could rock my bump and my maternity clothing proudly, now I feel like I have to stuff it into tight jeans and wear baggy tunics to hide my shape. I know a great deal of what I’m feeling is probably illogical, but there’s some kind of shame associated with loss, like I’m not woman enough to carry anymore, and it’s hard to shake that stigma.

I know we’re all together in this boat, but in my own life my brother just had a baby, my sister is due in one week, two of my cousins are pregnant and my husband’s cousin just had one. I guess I’m feeling very alone and just, sad.... this holiday. I thought the early m/c was rough but this is something else.

If you read this, thank you. 💕