Second christmas without my little bean. This one has been alot harder for me as I have had the year to process all my emotions around choosing abortion during my pregnancy. I have had alot of time to think. I realize now I made a decision because I never felt I could do anything positive or significant, let alone pursue my lifelong dream of being a mother. I have always wanted them, I have always wanted to feel unconditionally loved, and provide that to someone else.My parents were emotionally neglected as children, so they passed that onto me. I knew i had anxiety and depression but I always felt like there was something wrong with me. My boyfriend of 6 years is now taking a job where we are going to be in a financially stable position, which was a huge determining factor. It feels devastating and every day as my life changes, I am seeing how possible it actually is to carry to carry my baby. I was terrified and felt so alone, my old sister found out she was pregnant a month before i found out and my family nearly disowned her. I hate that what my family would think of me was what i was worried about. I knew i loved my baby. I still love them. I hate that i wasnt able to access the counselling the clinic said they would provide before my abortion. I DIDNT TALK TO ANYONE ABOUT WEIGHING OUT MY OPTIONS. I just decided that i am a horrible person and i cant do this i cant even feed myself every day. My heart hurts every day and especially lately. I wish my boyfriend understood. I wish he was willing to talk to me about it without getting angry. I feel so alone and fucked up and sad. Whenever i look at my sisters baby, and how much my family loves her it angers me and upsets me because it is a complete 180 turn from how they felt before. I wish i knew how much thy would have loved my baby. I wish i knew how much I could have loved them. I wish i knew my love would be enough. I wish i loved myself enough to love them and take time to talk about what was going on witg me during my pregnancy. I wish i reached out. I wish i wasnt alive at this point. Living without my baby feels so wrong. I dont deserve this life and i feel like I have murdered my calling from god. There were signs all throughout my pregnancy literally artwork saying “everything is as it should be” IT WAS. I want my baby back. I wish i could celebrate christmas with them, it would feel like I actually hhe something to be celebrating about.