A VENT

So I just got diagnosed with subclinical hypothyroidism. I went to two different doctors and they both said the same thing, I have the antibodies for hypothyroidism as well. So not only is it mild right now it’s about to get much worse. I’m on meds and I feel like they’re not working tbh. I am going to go back to the doctors. I’m just feeling down because I’ve gained 19 pounds in the past 5 weeks. And I feel horrible and ugly. I try to do different hairstyles and wear make up to feel pretty. I have no energy n I’m always tired and I know it’s because of my thyroid problem but I miss being me. The confident me. The me that was so energetic and always had productive days. Not this me that is always tired and pushing through everything. I miss having my life together and I’m struggling to get that back. I’m tired and I’m tired of being tired and fat. I’m 25 and 5’4 and 183 pounds and I feel like it’s just gunna get worse. I miss not wearing makeup to feel confident. I’ve convinced myself that wearing heels makes me look thinner, longer hair makes me look thinner because it hides my shoulders n back. I’ve been struggling since 2017 when it comes to my weight. In the past 2 years I’ve been gaining 5 pounds loosing 6 gaining 10 and the cycle continues. Sometimes it was accidental and sometimes I worked out without changing my eating habits and sometimes that didn’t work out. I gain weight when I decide I want to loose weight. I lost my motivation. If I could lay around all day n watch shows n not have to see anybody that would be great. But when I do that I also feel like shit. Tbh I’m just scared I’m not gunna accomplish my goals and I’m going to end up being super obese laying on a bed. I’m not happy with my body. I am sad that I’m not motivated. And I just wish I could go back to normal. Being confident in my body and myself and having energy and the motivation to keep working towards my dreams. I’ve had a rough two weeks and I’ll keep working and trying to make each day better for myself. I’m just disappointed in myself today. It’s just easier to give up nowadays n this was never me. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I have hope that tomorrow will be a new day and that I’ll be able to accomplish my goals for tomorrow but it’s just been so hard. I don’t know how to explain it. If I said two years ago “ today I’m going to study “x”amount of chapters, go swimming, watch a movie, do the dishes,clean my closet and do groceries” I would do that and more tbh. Now it’s like if I get two things done I’m tired. I went to the grocery store the other day, came back, put everything away, cooked dinner and that was it. I was only awake for 4 hours and I was exhausted like I was up for 12 hours. Yesterday I had breakfast and I was exhausted as if I ran a marathon. And when I get tired you would think I would fall asleep. Nope. I’m up, just laying around watching Netflix. I can’t even fall asleep even if I wanted to. I hate myself rn. It’s a struggle. This diagnosis just made things make more sense. I just pray for the patience I need... this is gunna be a long process and Im scared and I don’t want to loose myself along the way. That is all.