Happy New Year! -I need help.

It’s New Year’s eve and I’m hiding in my daughter’s closet because I don’t want to face my family with tears. It has been 1 month since the day I found the email...actually, it was a rough draft from my boyfriend of 4 years to a former coworker of his...They never had sex but they’d been planning on it and had already done the secret lunches, makeout sessions, secret dick pics/ vagina pics on Snapchat...And all while I struggled with maintaining our household and raising the kids. I’m trying to keep the relationship going because he swears all the cliche crap...”It didn’t mean anything”, “I lost my way”, “Im so sorry I hurt you”, “I’ll never do this again”...I haven’t told any of my family or friends because I know they’ll be counterproductive during the reconciliation process. Im just DEVASTATED but I’m trying to cope by trying to be normal for the kids. But it’s so hard because I’m angry at him. I’m angry that i have to keep this hidden from everyone. I’m always in a bad mood and I can’t keep myself from crying at the most inconvenient times...and everyone probably thinks I’m a huge bitch but it’s not my fault because he’s the one who hurt me!! I don’t care anymore about keeping the house clean. Or changing the baby’s diaper. Or consoling her when she throws a temper tantrum. Or making sure that everyone has food or clean clothes. I don’t want to be anyone’s mother anymore. I gained 30 pounds that I can’t lose and I have no libido or self esteem...So that I could have a family with the man I love more than anything. I keep thinking “What’s the point? I thought we were in this together and look what happens when I turn my back to take care of our family”.

It’s been a month and I can’t seem to find any motivation to be positive and move forward. Should I seek some help? Could I be clinically depressed or just REALLY FUCKING SAD?