I'm sorry this is so long, but I don't have anyone that I can talk to about this and could really use some advice.

I'm just really confused and not quite sure how I feel right now. So, my husband and I have been TTC for 2.5 years. We both agreed that we were ready to start trying. During this time, we haven't talked about it a whole lot because I am super emotional and have a hard time discussing babies without crying. No matter how hard I try, I can't have that conversation without bursting into tears. Because of this, my husband doesn't bring it up often because he doesn't want to upset me and I tend to shut down when the subject comes up because I know how these conversations always go. We had talked about it enough to know that we were on the same page, but that's about it. I have always been the one doing any and all research and really doing everything needed to make this happen while he just kind of showed up in the bedroom. He's more of the "wing it" "it will happen when it happens" type of person, and I'm more of the "I want something, I want it now" type of person.

Here lately, I have been having a hard time and my husband has noticed. The other day, we went and layed down for a nap and he asked what has been going on, what was bothering me, and he wanted to do what he could to help. I didn't answer and then he kept asking if it had anything to do with a baby. He was really pressing that. I still wasn't answering, I was trying to fight back the tears. He wanted me to open up (which I have a hard time doing) and then asked if it would help if he told me that he had changed his mind (regarding a baby). I was really confused and asked him what he meant. He said "I want one now". We layed in silence for a minute and he asked me what I thought about that. I said "well, I was under the impression that you wanted one for the last 2.5 years". He said that he has felt this way for a little while now and is willing to do more to make it happen. I mentioned that it would take more than what we have been doing. That we have to make dr appointments and have tests done. He said that we will start looking into it and start that process within the next couple months. I had brought up us going to the dr a few times in the past, but he always just kind of dismissed it, so the fact that he brought up looking into it and set a time frame for when we will make appointments does show me that he is more serious about having a baby. He said that he wouldn't bring it up again until I was ready to talk about it.

I appreciate that he was taking my feelings into consideration, but I'm a little bothered that we have been trying so long and he apparently was not all in. For the last 2.5 years, I have felt a bit alone in this journey, because he just didn't understand how hard this all was for me. He knows how much (emotional) pain I have been in over the years because of this and he did not tell me that he is now all in until he has felt this way for some time now.

We have not talked about it again since that night due to my work shedule. Part of me is happy that we are finally moving forward and maybe he can start understanding what I have gone through and I can talk to him about it more without breaking down. On the other hand, part of me is upset that we have been trying so long and it wasn't until here recently that he really wanted a baby and he didn't tell me right away.

Please give me any and all advice you have for me. I feel like he would really benefit from joining a group like this, but I don't think he would join one.