I’m having a hard time right now, I’m laying in bed wondering how God is going to grow our family. There is so many possibilities but I truly wish just for a moment that I knew how our family was going to grow. I wish God could tell me so I know what to look forward too. Seriously. I just want to know what to forward to and maybe I could find the strength to get out of bed.

Part of me prays for:

Infant Domestic Adoption: I cant imagine somebody handing over a child to us but if they did, I’d love that child with everything we have. The ride home would feel like a million dollars. BUT, we’ll never have that money. 😒

<a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IVF</a>: I can’t imagine my husband having to get semen extracted from his testicles. It sounds painful plus there’s no guarantee but what if it was “that easy” not that it is, I’m sure. But what if we could have a child made of both my husband and I. Then I would never have doubts if my child is being treated differently in our family (because our child would be made of both my husband and I). BUT, we’ll never have that money. 😞

Straight adoption through foster care: We would match up with a child who already has their parents rights terminated. I can’t imagine what that child or children have been through and what meeting them would be like for us or for them. What if we love them so much but they struggle to the point of wanting to leave...? WHAT AN EMOTIONAL, LONG PROCESS. 🥺

Sperm Donor: I can’t find anything on GLOW except horror stories of donors wanting the child ... plus I can’t imagine having to be open and honest with a doctor (which of corse would have to happen) when I’ve never met a doctor that honestly cares about me. Plus I’m so fearful, what if we did this and something happens to my husband.... then I’d be left with child alone and his family could dessert us. I have a loving family but I don’t want them to think I was baby crazy and “had to it”. 😪

Embryo Adoption: What if we do this and society is never able to accept our child? What if we become black sheep? What if my child can’t balance being both adopted and ours? Plus, $8,000 + is still a lot of money... 😬

Most of the time I’m full of hope, but today I’m full of fear and despair.