So, this June will make four years since my boyfriend and I have dated. I feel really selfish for thinking this, but I’ll try to explain clearly because I need unbiased advice....

We’re from different countries. I’m living in the US for university. I met him by chance and we hit it off and it went from there. We moved pretty quickly, honestly. We were both lonely and we seemed to get along well together. We moved in together a little over a year ago.

I’m really missing home. This Christmas was the first time I visited home in two years, and he wasn’t able to go with me so I went alone. I cried when it was time to leave, and went through a bout of depression. He would never want to move to my country, and I could never ask him to. He wouldn’t be happy there. But I don’t know if I would be happy here. I miss home deeply. And I miss my family. I don’t know if I could live in a country away from them. The US doesn’t feel like home.

Besides that, when I returned I noticed some things that I hadn’t before... I realized that I subconsciously change myself when I’m around him. I’ve lost myself. Dulled my natural born attitude and culture because I’m the type of person who feeds off of the attitude of those around me. I guess it’s us becoming more like each other, like they say you do while in a relationship. But when I came back I really wasn’t holding myself back and he seemed shocked. He joked about how when I come back from home I always come back acting different. Said it’s like meeting a new person. But I don’t think he meant it in a good way. Because he referenced me having to “get used” to being around him again... as in, implying that I’m different because I went home. But really.. that’s me. I’m different when I’m with him.

Things are really good with him. He really cares about me and loves me, which makes this more difficult. But... it seems that I’m his entire world. His family lives in another state and he doesn’t visit often. He can’t afford to. Since we began dating my family has wondered if he’s obsessed with me. I wouldn’t go as far as to call it ‘obsessed’, it’s just that I am everything to him. And I love that.

Sometimes.

I asked him how he felt about me going home for summer, and he got emotional and said that if I leave again he might not be here when I get back. I wasn’t sure what that meant. Was he going to leave me? But he means that he might end up killing himself... he said he might end up relapsing or something without me here. I do not want it to be that I’m afraid of leaving him because I’m afraid of what he might do to himself, or what would happen to him. I don’t want to be worried that he would get back on drugs or kill himself without me. I told myself that I would never be with another person who guilts me and makes me feel like I can’t leave them because they threaten to kill themselves, because this is what my ex did to me.

I do not want to be someone’s crutch.

I understand that he’s just happiest when I’m around... I love being with him like this. But I want him to be able to be a person without me...

Now he thinks that I don’t want to marry him because I told him that I don’t want to rush into anything, and that I might leave him and move back home....

Don’t get me wrong, he’s really good to me. I love him. But I’m afraid of being a person’s everything in this way because it will crush him if things don’t work out. I don’t want to think, ‘if I left him I don’t know if he would be okay’, and then that’s the reason I overlook everything else

I really don’t know what to do.. but I feel as though this isn’t something I can ignore because I’m graduating this December and that’s when I really have to decide what I’m going to do