I’ve been married for two years to a really great guy. I have a daughter from a previous marriage and am currently 25 weeks pregnant. My background with my family is my mother cheated on my dad when I was about 13 years old, she left him and was not often around. She has severe insecurity and anxiety issues and has struggled with finances and relationships since her divorce 17-18 years ago. I have no respect for her as a person, mainly because she makes excuses and doesn’t try to learn from mistakes to better her life. I strive to be nothing like her. Unfortunately, I also have insecurity issues, just not as extreme as she does.

My dad remarried maybe a year or two later and had two more kids. Somewhere in there my older brother committed suicide. After having been such a large support for my dad through his devastating divorce, I felt sort of abandoned and like leftovers after he remarried and my brother was gone.

I got pregnant and then married quickly my ex husband. He was unreliable and had drinking problems, mixing it with anxiety meds. I no longer respected him and we divorced.

I then was involved in an affair with a married man during that period of my life when I felt abandoned and I finally felt valuable and like someone truly understood me. The depth and duration of his lies and manipulation (in addition to living life against my core values of integrity) really embedded into my being about my value and worthiness. I obviously am not proud of that part of my past but I learned so much about fidelity and honesty which makes me a better wife now.

The dark side of it all combined being that I have such a hard time being secure with myself. That I am worth being someone’s priority, worth not being lied to, worth not being abandoned. My husbands colorful past makes it hard for me, almost no mater what he says, to believe that I’m enough. Hot enough, smart enough, make enough money, funny enough, a good enough parent, etc. He tells me how lucky he is to be with me, that I’m the most beautiful woman in the world, I have nothing to worry about, etc. so I know that these issues are mine only. He isn’t doing anything to make me feel insecure; it’s 100% me. But I cry sometimes thinking about how attractive his exes were, I’ve snooped in his phone and computer, imagining him meeting people and having one night stands with people he meets on trips, and I feel plagued by the weight of it.

I’m somehow also logical and understand that if I focus on it, the feelings grow. That there’s power in my thoughts and I’m responsible for how I feel. I do everything I can to find resources that will help me get past it and learn to love myself. I have gone to therapy for months also and just feel scared that there is nothing that will make this go away for me. I hate this and hate that it’s going to manifest my fears into reality and I feel helpless.

Does anyone have advice for what specific type of therapy helped them or books or videos... anything to get over my husband’s past, get over the worry that he might cheat, and feel worthy and deserving of pure and honest love?

I’m obviously embarrassed posting this so to answer questions, I’ll edit the post, but I will truly appreciate any feedback and will reflect on it to be better than I am.