So this is my first post. (This is gonna be long)

Not sure if it’s the New Year or something else. But I really need to tell someone. Might not be the right someone but hey......here goes.

So I’m married with three children, however I have two older children from a previous relationship (my first love). The father of my older two and I met when I was 16 he’s 4 years older than me. We dated for two years and then I fell pregnant, with our first needless to say things didn’t go well. Being young and believing he was the one I put up with his behaviour cheating etc not being there for me and the baby and stayed I fell pregnant again with our second and realising he wasn’t going to change I took my children and moved to a different city.

Anyway over the years he was in and out of the children’s and my life. However once I met my then partner and now husband things changed, and he wasn’t around as much but when he did show up it was horrible my hubby and I would argue and it was as if he my ex revelled in the fact he was causing trouble with my relationship and my hubby just couldn’t seem to get that I was with him and my only interest in my ex was down to the fact he was the father of my children. Any way as time went on my ex eventually had more children and married before I did.

Years passed and our children are older but every now and then they have issues and either he contacts me or I contact him to help deal with it. No matter what we’re their parents and we both want the best for them, also they’re half him and if anyone is going to understand them better than me it’s him. Also I’ve learnt that despite not being raised with him they each have a lot of his characteristics, mannerisms and behaviours. At times it freaks me out how much they are like him.

Anyway we recently communicated and it was obvious that our conversations were taking a different turn if you know what I mean. So I called him out and asked to meet up to talk clear the air and address some issues. (They are unresolved issues and feelings that have never been addressed) so we met up and he told me that he’s always and still does love me. That he stalks me as in use to sit outside my home in the hope that he would see me taking our children to school. That he still does it now as in sits outside my house in his car. This freaked me out. What I’m failing to say here is that when I speak with him it flows easily I don’t feel I need to be careful with how I say things like it will be used against me. I’m comfortable in his presence there are times when we just sit and say nothing. We talk about all sorts from our children to current affairs etc. The only thing we don’t talk about is our partners or our children with them.

I can’t speak like this with my husband and half the time I’m wondering why I’m with him. Don’t get me wrong he’s a good man and I know he loves me but, I know I don’t love him and if I’m honest I don’t think I ever did.

If I’m honest with myself I think I still love my ex but I know he’s no good for me again could never be what I need him to be. So why do I think about him all the time and want to be with him. Do we ever get over our first love. What should I do. My head is sooo confused. I keep looking at my phone hoping he’s txted it’s wrong I know I need to stop but can’t.

Help!!