lost and broken
I think I'm losing my SO and its breaking my heart..
we've been doing so well for so long but whenever he starts a new job tension starts to build and the drinking(and drugs) begins again.
I'm 36+5 weeks pregnant and this past week alone I've cried so much because of his complete disregard for my feelings. he knows how I feel about certain things and then still goes out of his way to do them not thinking once in me or our baby..
when hes not working were great we barley ever fight and we both have the same wants, he also has less trouble staying away from drinking but now that hes back at work it's almost daily that hell pick something up.. then if he works extra hours, one of his friends there will happily provide him coke which we've had problems dealing with in the past but he was showing so much want to change and working really hard with it but then he slipped up like it was nothing.. I told him how much it hurt me especially when we have a beautiful little girl coming and he cried, we cried, he apologized said hell really work on it all.. the next day picks up another drink. then a few days later he was invited to his friends in another city and that city weve always had issues but he wanted to prove to me that I can trust him there, that he wont do anything stupid. he got there at 1 then around 6 texted me I can come maybe around 8 to pick him up, at 630 he called me but I was in the other room, 635 I called back no answer. atm we both use the same FB account and then he got a message from one of his friends that he was with earlier when I dropped him off, then on Instagram one of his other friends was back home too.. I knew right away that he was done going to do what he promised he wouldn't do.. he ignored my calls for the next 3+ hours and only finally called me to come get him but to make sure I brought $60 with me.. he couldnt care less how much I was hurting and only called because he ran out of money and needed more crack.. he says he really wants to change and fix everything cause he doesnt want to lose me or his daughter but I dont know how much more hurt I can take.. if I bring up any ideas to him that he doesnt like he wont listen anymore and I know the only way we could have a chance getting back on track is if he leaves this job but that's not possible for us at all and even if it was he would refuse..
so I think that last option I have is that i have to leave but i dont know how and its breaking my heart even thinking about it. I also know all this stress isnt good for baby inside. I'm just lost and hurt and breaking by the minute and the one person I would lean on is the one causing everything..
well regardless thanks for reading if you got this far loll.. any advice would be greatly appreciated ♡♡