My baby girl is 14 weeks, I love her so much.

Our breastfeeding journey has definitely been a rough one. I’ve breastfed since day one and pushed through the pain of cracked nipples and anxiety of her possibly not getting enough. We attended lactation classes and she was gaining such good weight. Then I started going to work again. Much sooner than I wanted. She was only one month old but that was all my company was allowing. My supply decreased and we still worked through it. Recently though she is perfecting bottles though. I can’t lie, it’s so nice being able to just warm up her formula (we now supplement) or give her some pumped milk. However I crave the bonding and feeling of closeness that we get with breastfeeding.

However I’ve been noticing I’m slipping back into my depression. I’m starting to just get so agitated and irritable. I’m Bipolar Type 2 and when I was pregnant I was so happy I had to get off all my medication. I worry that I might truly slip back to where I was and I don’t want that. I want to be happy with my baby girl and I don’t want my emotions to get the best of me and ruin my relationships. I feel I’m just so mad with my fiancé all the time and even my daughter gets me upset at times. I could never imagine putting them in harms way but I feel living with the sadness I am is harming us all.

I’ve scheduled an appointment with my psychiatrist and I see him on the 18th this month. I haven’t told anyone because I’m scared to tell my mom or fiancé. They never wanted me to breastfeed because they wanted me to get back on my medication because they were worried of postpartum. I just don’t know if I’m truly ready to stop breastfeeding. I love the feeling that I’m nurturing my daughter and I love the bonding. I can’t imagine not being able to comfort her when she really wants it. And the thought of my milk drying up makes me so sad. I feel so selfish that I’m wanting to give up breastfeeding just for medicine. I just feel so guilty and I’m unsure that this is what I want to do.