I realized I’m a victim, but idk if I’m a survivor.
So I just recently came to the realization that I might be a survivor. I was molested by someone in my family, but like I don’t even feel like a victim because since it was a female perpetrator and when they were doing it to me it felt good. I was in elementary school. I know for sure it was before I was in 6th grade. I never really thought much about what happened. Like I thought about it, but I never thought of it as molestation. Thinking about it now I know I was just a kid and that person was 5 years older than me. They knew what they were doing. If I was in 5th grade they were in 10th, if I was in 4th grade they were in 9th. They knew what they were doing and they knew what they were doing was wrong. 100000%. That person lives with us, and I noticed every time they graze my butt by walking too close to me which happens almost every time they’re near me I get soooo angry and sometimes I flip out sometimes I just leave. I notice I tend to stay away from the person physically. When the person is around little kids and kisses then on the cheek even harmlessly I get very defensive and say ok ok ok and take the kid away and play with them. If the person comes into the bathroom while I’m in there I flip out and get very angry, and if I’m in my naked or on the toilet when they come in I cover myself so fast and use things in the bathroom to cover me. The shower door in my house and glass and see through so if I’m there and the person comes in or wants to brush their teeth I put my towel over the shower door to cover myself and if I move forward I move the towel with me. I notice I tend to be more aggressive to the person when I’m angry at them than I would others I love with. Honestly, I didn’t realize I might’ve been a victim until I murmured “fucking pedo” to myself out of extreme anger. Sometimes I get so angry I just say things out of no where and this word just came out. I didn’t know what I was saying but I guess I was so consciously unconscious of it that it was the only work I murmured so quietly to myself. I can’t and never will tell my parents. I think the molesting or assault idk what to call it stopped when I was in 6th grade, but I guess I still feel the effects of if and unconsciously. I never knew why I acted this way towards this person until I actually thought about what happened to me. Like actually thought about it. Not just the act, but what it actually was. I guess it made me the way I am now. I was always very sexual (which I would hide), and always honey since such a young age. I can’t remember what age I started watching prom but Ik it was very young, and even after I got caught I still kept doing it and watching it. I never knew what was wrong with me, but I guess acknowledging what has happened to me made it all make sense. I can’t and never will tell my parents or anyone because idk what will happen. Idk if my parents will believe me. Tell me to tell if go. Go to the person which idk what they’ll Do to them. Anyway, I just needed to get this out. I don’t think im a survivor cause well... I haven’t gotten nor wish to seek justice, im living under these conditions with this person. And through all of this realization I feel absolutely nothing, and idk how to feel about that either. Can you guys leave comments, advice, thoughts or anything in the comments. It’ll be really nice to hear from people. I love you guys♥️