When the day to start came around but my period never did, I tried to brush it off. Starting late happens all the time for me.

On day two I woke up to my breast the size of small melons. Sore to touch and heavily hanging on my chest. My stomach was tight and hard. I laid awake for hours that night, 1am, 2am came and gone 3am still awake. Still thinking still raising.

Could this be it!? Could I finally be pregnant?! Who would I tell first? Will it be a good idea to be moving into the new house at 8 months pregnant this summer?

Monday morning, I count back and track it. I’ve never been over 42days between periods. I count forward. Wednesday, that’s the day I test that’s the new record and it’s okay to test.

On lunch I just can’t take it any more. I Tell him I might be pregnant.

This isn’t the first time. I try my hardest not to tell him when this happens. I try my hardest to not get my hopes up.

“Can we send my dad a package with balloons and a pacifier to tell them?”

“I think we can do this no parents in the room just us”

We have been trying for over a year. 14 months and counting. 10 missed periods. It never gets easier. To hold back the excitement inside, just showing off as a good day when In reality your brain is realing with the though that at this very moment you could be pregnant. To hold back the pure heartbreak when once agin your body has failed you to do literally what it was created to do.

Monday afternoon. The mixed feeling the ups and downs are just much. I stop at Walgreens on my way home. The same little pink box on the end of aisle 5. I rush home breaking the seal of the box almost before my foot can step through the thresh hold. To the bathroom, lock the door behind me.

The countdown. The last few seconds before heart wrenching disappointment or the moment I’ve been dreaming of, do I cry or scream. I wash my hands and face in the sink slowly before finally pick up the pregnancy test laying in the side of the bathtub.

One solid blue line.

Negative.

Monday night. Why not me? Why not now? When will it be my turn? What’s wrong with me? With my body? What’s going on inside me?

Just another reason I love living with this.