I’m having a bad night.

You know when you read something and it just fucks you up emotionally and then you’re just questioning everything. Yeah that’s me right now.

Many of you know my son Emmett. Know the whole shebang etc.

I try to stay pretty positive and don’t really like to complain or really show people how broken I truly am. I get the “ WOW you’re such a good mom. You are so strong, I envy your strength and your son is so blessed to have a mom who would fight for him.” Thanks Karen.

Want to take a guess what I do when I first get up besides make sure my sons still alive?

I cry. I take a deep breath and just start crying. Because last night I didn’t get to sleep. I haven’t actually slept more than 3 hours in the last 20 months of Emmett’s life. And before that when I was pregnant I’d cry myself to sleep worried I’d never get the chance to meet him while he was alive. So for 2 1/2 years I’ve cried almost everyday.

Of course I think what if Emmett would say a word. Or start to move more or even lift his head! Wow that would be crazy cool. Maybe one day. And then I’m over it and go on with what I like to call “My Normal Life”

When you have been doing something for so long it becomes normal. I was reminded how not normal my life was. The nasty green envy slivered it’s way back into my head and just wrecked me. Karen’s kids? They have strong muscles, look they can run, and play with other kids. Stephanie’s 7month old baby is crawling and starting to taste food, OMG she said her first word. Oooo what’s this?! A wellness check on your toddler, this is going to be so much fun! Let’s read it!

Mark yes or no to the fallowing:

Does your child pick up toys with one hand and places it in the other?

Does your child answer to their name?

Can your child count to 5?

Does your child use more than 8 words a day?

OH FUCK ME! My son is like a new baby. He’s 20 months and can’t do the things a typical 20 month old could do, not even close. He can blink, cry, poop, pee, lay still, maybe stretch, yawn, sometimes smiles, and is tube fed. I’m jealous of all these other beautiful healthy babies all around me. I’ve said this before but I don’t know that persons life and their struggles and here i am jealous of her babies. She probably struggles worst than me to get pregnant and maybe those healthy babies were premature and lived in the hospital like we did!

Don’t get me wrong. I would not, WOULD NOT change a damn thing about my life. I love Emmett more than I can ever express in words. He’s my miracle and he’s taught me so much. He’s helped me grow. He’s perfect to me and I’d do this all over again. But I’m human. And I have dreams of what it would be like if he was a normal boy. And how all of the kids could play with him. And how it would feel to have him embrace me... instead I’m saddened that I get to sit in a corner and watch all the other kids play and have babies younger than Emmett come up to me and say “baby” while they look at my son.

The worlds not perfect. Every last one of us has a battle we are fighting. I just choose to hide behind a smile. We all have struggles. And there is no shame in that.