Im about to share with you some really deep feelings so if you are in a bad place emotionally right now.. DONT READ THIS.

Yesterday i went to the doctors, i stepped on their scale and could not believe my eyes, could not believe what i was seeing...

I weighed 199 lb.. one point away from my highest i have ever been... i began to feel insecure and didnt realise what i have been doing to myself until now..i have been through alot, yeah i know everyone has right? Well my story is a little bit unique.. atleast i think it is.. i lost 6 babies, miscarried 6 of my babies, had to feel the pain of losing them physicaly and emotionally. I made my husband, my family, myself have high hopes on the news, was so excited to finally be a mom, each time i would get a positive test i would be just over the moon with excitment and joy and i could not keep a smile off my face... then each time, 2 days later i would go to the bathroom and see my child being pushed out of me and it hurt my heart more than i could ever understand. I said why me? Why does everyone else get to walk around with their 7/8 month pregnancy bellies and i am over here, cant even get past the 3 week mark..i felt like a failure, i felt like i was letting my husbane down, i felt like i had my heart ripped out of my chest and would find myself looking down when i saw them as looking down would take the pain away, well it didnt.. i would ask god, all i want is to be a mother, all i want is to make my husband a dad, why do you keep taking my babies away from me? why? What did i ever do to deserve this? I got angry. I would find myself daydreaming about my life but with a baby in it and how it would be so cute if i had a daughter, i could do her hair, and dress her uo..it would be so real that i would have a look on my face where i would smile and my husband would ask mex why are you smiling? Sometimes i did not hear him when he said that, then i would, and my head would return to reality.. i started dreaming about it.. feeling at my absolute lowest, i did not know what to do.. i felt like i was being tortured.. i just wanted life to fast forward.. i felt so many emotions all at once.. but the one that never went away, was emptiness. I began with little meals that turned into big, i began eating out, mcdonalds, steak and shake, burger king, subway, anywhere i could, i was eating fast food atleast twice a week, then it turned into more, i started eating is 3 times a week, 6 times a week, then finally i was eating it twice a day.. it got to the point where all i wanted to do was lock myself in a room and just eat my life away.. food filled that void, that emptiness that i was feeling inside, i would smile on the outside, but inside it was a whole other story.. i would just keep eating and eating as much as i could. Until i became addictive. . If i didnt atleast have a sandwich from mcdonalds in the morning for breakfast, i couldnt think all day, i couldnt focus.. it got so bad to where i would wake up and have swollen hands, and fingers..

When i ate it was like i shut the whole bullshit down, i didnt have to think about what had been going on in my life, i didnt have to worry anymore, i was in my happy place..

You may be wondering why am i teling you this? Im telling you this because its inportant to understand that people's feelings are not gonna go away in a day, they matter, because its okay to hurt, its okay to not be okay, its okay to fee empty, its okay to be angry, and its okay to want to feel happy.. i want you to realise that when someone seems their happiest, those are the ones that are the most hurt.

So yesterday when i saw that number. It made me stop, and think, i am almost 200 pounds.. the largest i have ever been.. i am only 21 years old. If i continue i could easily turn 300 before im 24.. reality clicked for me an i said i have to do something about this. I have to change..

So i called my husband and i told him how i been feeling and he told me that i can always talk to him and to never be afraid to tell him how i am feeling. I told him i need his help to lose the weight. I cant do it without a push.. and. So i went to our apartment gym yesterday worked out and lost 79 calories, i know that doesnt seem like much, but to me its one step ahead and i need to keep pushing ahead rather than going back..i want to get to the weight 145 again, the weigh i used to way before. I can do it, and i will.