i’m just a bit lost


lately i haven’t been feeling myself and i feel so lonely and barely have any reasons to, i’m constantly worrying about my friends falling out with me or leaving me, i get so upset over the tiniest things. i feel like i’m always lonely when i know there is friends i can talk to but i’m scared they might think im attention seeking or that i seem too happy to be depressed but i feel like i am.

i’ve started to get really bad anxiety and i feel like my parents have noticed that i’m acting different and drifted from friends, but i don’t want to tell them that i’m constantly thinking it might be better if i wasn’t here, my family love me so much and i know that, people think i have a perfect life but i don’t.

i’m really insecure about my skin as i’m always breaking out and i hate leaving the house without makeup.

i don’t like leaving the house anyway, i’m always thinking ‘ i don’t want to go out just in case i see anyone i know and i have to talk to them’ lately i feel like an awful friend because i’m not making an effort to be with my friends or i’m making up excuses so i don’t have to leave the house. my best friend keeps telling me that i don’t talk to her anymore and i just stick with this one girl that i feel most comfortable with, she keeps falling out with me saying i’ve drifted, along with about 5 other people asking why i haven’t talked to them much at school that day or why i didn’t answer their face time call. i used to meet friends every night now i just get into bed and listen to upsetting music or watch netflix all night because that’s when i feel most comfortable, i’m only 12, nearly 13 and i don’t even want a house party for my birthday anymore because i don’t want anyone to be mad if i don’t invite them. i know this is a bit wierd but i haven’t cried in a long time, i just can’t cry but i want to be able to to let my feelings out but when i’m upset i just sit there numb and dont want to move or do a thing, now i’ve turned to smoking and i don’t know what to do about it, i don’t do it often but it calms me down and i don’t feel stressed anymore, i know i’m younge to do it and i sound like a bad person but i’m not, ive never before done anything like it and i feel like i’ve let my mum and dad down, they don’t know i’ve smoked before tho but i’m constantly scared they are going to find out.

i don’t know what to do, i want someone to talk to but i don’t know who, i’m scared i’ll be judged, i can’t go to my school support team because people will ask me what i’m doing and i don’t want to upset my parents and tell them. is there anyone i can talk to about this? sorry about any bad spelling i’m not the best x