Hello.

I wanted to write this post to help someone maybe just anyone through a hard choice and shed light on how it works.

To start with I live in the UK.

In 2016 in November I had a spout of unprotected sex with my boyfriend at the time, and not like unprotected pull out as in he would cum inside me and I done nothing about it.

Absolutely stupid.

In December time I can’t roughly remember when I had started to get VERY bloated which I didn’t think was too weird as I get hormonal bloating but it felt like I couldn’t suck in and was just heavy. My breasts were EXTREMELY tender to touch or even put my hand on (I kinda knew from that) I also started craving Onion rings? like CRAVE and calamari (squid) lastly I felt sleepy I remember one night at the pub it was like a light switch and I couldn’t keep my eyes open.

I ended up later that week going to a pho restaurant by myself and deciding I’m going to take another test as my period never came, I really am mad at myself for how NAIVE I was. I saw two lines but one SO SO SO faint I thought it was wrong binned it and went on my way.

As time went on mid December my skin started to really clear up, I don’t have bad skin usually but hormonal PMS sets it crazy but it was getting really good which confused me.

One morning I woke up to wash my face and decided to do my last pregnancy test, I remember peeing on the stick and setting it down and just carrying on dancing and being happy.

I looked down and there it was. Two lines. I was pregnant. I cried, I cried so hard and didn’t know what to do.

I called my friends and told them who all were so nice to me and listened, I ended up calling a local planning centre to ask how it works but I was so clouded with anxiety I don’t even remember how that phone call went.

I called my dad and told him I was pregnant, he said we can get this looked after on his private medical and not to worry.

About two weeks later my dad gave me the flat out cost of a private abortion in London and to get it done, at this stage I was having morning sickness and stomach pains and aches everywhere as my body prepared for this.

I went to my first appointment to get looked at, where they go through what happens, taking finger pricks to test your iron and how far along you are. And the first date was set.

December 23rd I took my first pill to break down the abortion I don’t remember anything really happening apart from feeling very sick and needing to go to bed.

December 31st was the next date for the actual abortion itself.

I sat down on a table and the nurse told me she was going to insert 4 tablets into my cervix and a tampon like rubbery pill in my ass for pain relief.

She told me not to drink and that if I had any issues not to ring 999 but this number on a leaflet.

I got in the car and at this point I was still having morning after sickness, I got towards the end of the drive and started vomiting.

When I got to my boyfriends house I grabbed my night time pads and rang upstairs as I felt this strong urge to go to the toilet. The pregnancy began to pass.

I was sweating, cramping and had diarrhoea and sat on the toilet crying. I finally came downstairs and laid on a couch to which I began to get the chills and went into shock as I couldn’t handle the pain. (I’m actually really bad with pain and have bad anxiety which I think played a big part into this happening) we called an ambulance to which they said I need to take pain killers and calm down.

Shortly after eating a small handful of crisps and more painkillers I fell asleep, through that I bled and passed more clots, and the pain was mostly gone.

The whole process of that toook about 8 hours. After that I had a heavy period for a month and done a pregnancy test at the end of January which confined I was no longer pregnant.

After this happened I became very depressed and sad I also had began my obsessive thought in thinking I was pregnant and having break downs most weeks as I couldn’t cope with it.

To this day two years later I still obsess over the fact that I think I may be pregnant with every twinge and twitch but I’ve gotten a lot better at rationalising.

What I took away from the experience was understanding the physical pain didn’t compare to the emotional pain for me, I turned to drug use and partying to forget what happened.

In 2017 I forgave myself and began the healing process.

I don’t hate myself for doing it.

If you’re young and mess up it’s not the end of the world.

If you’re married with kids already and decide you’re not ready that’s absolutely fine.

Be careful and love yourself x