For years I wanted you, for years I begged and pleaded and prayed to be in a place to reach for you. When your dad asked me to reach to heaven with him to get you I cried. I remember on November 1st of 2018 when those two lines came up I cried and cried it was finally my turn... god had blessed me with the best gift, your dad and I were beyond thankful. On November 30th we seen you for the first time, at 7 weeks and 2 days. Everything measured perfectly, you looked like a little seahorse. Heartbeat read at 155. January 10th at 13 weeks and 3 days we went in to do a blood test to find out what you were a month early. Excited as can be to hear your little heartbeat for the first time. To know what color clothes to buy. Then the unthinkable happened, they couldn’t find your heartbeat..and ultrasound confirmed that there wasn’t one. You stopped developing at 9 weeks...you may have left us but we will always cherish you. A blessing of a little angel we held for 9 week we will now hold on our hearts forever. We might not be able to give you the world now as we had planned but you sure changed ours. We LOVE you.

I sat in my bathroom floor crying, rubbing lotion on my small belly bump. Taking in the moments I still have with it before my d&c. I wrote this, as a way to get my story out (I guess as a way of coping) I didn’t intend for anyone to read it I didn’t write it thinking I’d ever post it. Please no negative comments for I’ve only known I lost my baby for 2 days. I should’ve been in my second trimester.. but instead I was forever stuck in my first. Ladies who had a d&c how bad was it being put under I’m scared out of my mind. How bad does the emotional trauma get after? I’m okay right now bc I have a small bump, I’m okay right now because I can’t feel

My baby & I know my baby is still technically with me. I’m still protecting it my body isn’t ready to let go and neither am I. But because it’s already been over a month since I technically lost it I have to do the d&c so I don’t risk infection😔