Right now I would be 39 weeks. I imagine I would be huge and miserable. The nursery would be in perfect array and we would be eagerly awaiting our first child.

Instead, we are in bed. Tired from trying all over again. The nursery is just a room full of junk that I can’t seem to get the energy to tackle. Instead of joy, we feel deep sorrow.

For 6 months we have walked through anger and grief and pain. We have leaned hard on the Lord because even in this we know He is good. Even though it doesn’t feel like it right now.

This week I will grieve the loss of my first baby all over again. Like it just happened but each day we will keep trying. I’ll keep peeing in cups to do ovulation tests. We will keep finding ways to make trying fun. And we will keep trying for the child we so desperately want. But we will never forget our first.

I am praying for all you ladies who are trying with no luck and for those that have felt the grief we have felt. Our day too, will come.