Ever since the day we found out about our second pregnancy, part of me couldn’t keep my thoughts off the fact that this pregnancy will not last. Al articles on glow coming in front of my eyes spoke about miscarriage and rainbow babies. At 5.5 weeks I had a strong intuition that something was wrong and I went in for a checkup. The moment the ultrasound specialist found the heartbeat and I saw the 90 bpm, I said, ‘THAT IS LOW’. the doctor initially affirmed that having a heartbeat is a great sign and low bpm at such early stage is okay. She asked to come back at our scheduled 10 wk appointment. We came home and researched and got nervous on what a low bpm could mean. I immediately scheduled a follow up for the following week. I went in yesterday for 6.6w check and again the heartbeat was at 96bpm. I knew something was wrong but hoped that given the expected range is between 90-140bpm, baby may still be fine as there are stories of babies with low bpm making it into this world completely normal. The ultrasound specialist did not utter much to us, she just said that “I will pull up your previous record for comparison while you dress up”. We waited for our doctor’s appointment right after hoping to hear, itwill all be just fine, we probably just need to keep coming in every week. Our nurse who is great with us, got us in and did not trigger any conversation with us except for a short question on how I was feeling. Doctor arrived and she is the best doctor I could have asked for - very direct and upfront - she started with - “I have to tell you, that this is not a good pregnancy, the bpm should ideally be at 120 or more and it is still very less. The baby has only grown 1 day in the last week. Also, half of the baby is out of the sac. I want to prepare you that the heartbeat will likely stop completely in the next week or so. “ she added that this is likely best for the baby as the chromosomes are not properly set and such babies usually if they make it forward will have birth defects.

I thought I was prepared to handle this and I accepted the news with a sadness. I did not want to take my prenatal after this. Having spent the night over it I am not sure if I should continue to take as much care for the baby so she/he can last as long with me pr should I do anything to make the transition as fast and least painful for the baby angel. I am struggling. I am thinking if there was anything I could have done to prevent this from happening. Did i wear too tight a clothing that pushed the baby out of sac, did I eat something which caused the baby to have a low bpm and slow growth?

I feel horrible thinking that as a mother I am waiting for my baby’s heartbeat to stop beating, how bad a mom am I. I truely did not deserve this baby!

Looking for some support to cope with this impending loss. I want to just snug my baby in the womb and hold it as tight as I could, give all the warmth and love before he/ she goes away to play with the fairies.