So I’m 20 years old and my ex boyfriend is 28. My last period was November 13,2018. I found out I was pregnant a few weeks later. I honestly thought I couldn’t get pregnant because I lost my virginity at 17 and nothing ever happened. I never ever got pregnant until now. My mom was so pissed and disappointed in me and her first response was that I needed to get rid of it my mom is 50 so she knows what’s best for me. Suffering from depression and anxiety, being pregnant would just add to everything I have on. Not to mention my boyfriend was really excited when I took the test at his house but treated me even MORE like shit. More arguing with him, my mom and I were barely talking. My dad surprisingly wasn’t mad. He was more understanding than her. What really pushed me over the edge was when I was at my man’s house and I asked him to get a glass of water. He got mad and was like you’re mad lazy my nigga you can’t get it yourself ?? Like wow that’s how you talk to the mother of YOUR child? I was about 5 weeks when I got rid of it. I didn’t want to, I still feel horrible about it. Part of me regrets it and part of me doesn’t. I don’t want a baby of mine to have a father like that. Pregnancy is supposed to be a happy time, but for me it was so stressful. I felt like everyone was against me.

My man said that he supported any decision I make. This definitely brought me and my mom closer. She just wanted the best for me. She didn’t wanna see her daughter and her grand baby struggle. She’d even said that I’d probably be a single mom because my man is lazy. When he doesn’t wanna do something, he doesn’t do it. He doesn’t even get up in the AM. He sleeps all day, can’t keep a job and is a hood guy so you already know... what 28 year old you know drives an audi but doesn’t have a job?? So morning of the abortion, I told my mom that I didn’t want to get it and she was like well talk to the counselor at the doctors office. Walking into the building was demonic it felt so damn evil in there. The staff was nice and all but we all know in the back of their minds this is inhumane and awful to take unborn lives. All I remember was walking into the room and seeing a metal garbage can. I was laying on the table and I started crying because this was the final moment, I had time to change my mind during the sonogram, while getting blood drawn. But I just didn’t want to piss off my mom. Because she was in the waiting room. So before they gave me the IV, the abortionist was like “are you sure you want to do this?” Crying, “I said no I don’t but I have to because my mom is out there and if I go outside she’ll kill me.” Then she asked how old I was and I told her 20. And she said how old is the father? I told her 28 and he wants me to keep it. She looked at me and was like “you’re a baby. Finish school. You’re going to ruin your life.” That’s all I remembered before I got sedated. I woke up in the recovery room. The feelings of emptiness I had never felt before, I can’t even explain it. I felt like a part of me died along with the baby. I’m crying as I’m writing this. I really needed him after this traumatic ass experience. And he just kept makin up excuses and never came to see me. That hurt even more. He says it was because he was hurt and sad and tired. Like imagine how I feel!! I broke up with my boyfriend 2 days ago. It feels weird not talking to him. But I feel like this might’ve been a blessing in disguise. I tried to make it work with him many times. I even tried dating him again and trying out our relationship after our failed one in February 2018. August 2018 was the second try of our relationship. December was a rough month for me, I wouldn’t wish any of this on my worst enemy. We argued a lot and there were times that he’d talk to other females because I was acting a certain way and made him feel like I didn’t care about the relationship. There was a time I found out he was on POF.com talking to girls. He made a fake Instagram to hit up other females because we have each other’s passwords to everything ( or so I thought). So long story short it was a messy situation, which could’ve been so much worst. I feel like this attachment to him because he is the first man to ever get me pregnant. He was stressing me out and being aggressive when I was pregnant. There were times we argued and I left his house and took a cab home. The last argument was really bad when I was pregnant cause he had grabbed my arm and tried to get me to get in the car with him but I didn’t wanna go with him. And I kept ordering Uber’s on my phone and he snatched my phone out my hand and canceled the rides. Which was pretty scary. I can’t tell you how many times I held my stomach and apologized to my baby. I didn’t want this for me and I sure didn’t want this for my baby. I prayed to God for forgiveness. Abortion is murder. Point blank period. Life begins at conception. Yeah a baby is made up of cells just like you and me. It’s a human.

Do I regret getting the abortion?

Looking back, I made the right choice. This man is not the one for me. He is in the streets, he’s immature, lazy, rude, aggressive, mean, petty, a liar, and says horrible things to me and about me. My mom just didn’t want me to make the hugest mistake of my life. She knew that my ex boyfriend wasn’t good for me. We both weren’t ready for a baby.

Update:

Things right now are okay. It’s a new year. I haven’t spoken to him in 3 days which is killing me slowly. I blocked his number and everything. I deserve better. I can do so much better. Through this dark time I found the light, which is God and my family, especially my mom. She wants me to get better, mentally and physically. So after the abortion She took me to get a higher dosage of the antidepressants I take, which really helped with the sadness and guilt from the abortion. I really hope that I am at least half the mother she is when it’s the right time (and with the right guy). I do miss him and will always have love for him, because he showed me that I can produce life when for 3 years I thought I couldn’t. So I will always thank him for that.