So, about a month ago my boyfriend of 6 months (not to mention my first love) broke up with me. He broke up with me because he wanted his ex girlfriend that he’d been dating for 2 and a half years before me (also she was his first love) back. I’d understand and everything but throughout the first 3 months of our relationship, I found out that he’d been with her still. Then the first week in October 2018, he broke up with me to go back to her but then came back to me. And I thought it was because he wanted me, but I came to find out it was only because his ex moved on to someone else.

Then a month later, in November after an entire month of us being happy, I find out hat he’s secretly talking to his ex behind my back and that kinda broke my heart. Then the day after, he texted me “I have to leave my phone in my car today, I love you.” And when I responded, my iMessages sent as texts. At first I was calm and was like “Okay, well he probably turned his phone off.” And as the day went on I started realizing that wasn’t the case, and I came to the conclusion he blocked me and I was losing my mind over what I could have done. Then that evening he texted me claiming that he just wanted to give me space because he felt like he really hurt me. I didn’t believe it and I was right to because the next day, I found out he’d gone ALL the way to North Carolina (he and his ex were long distance) to see his ex. He called me crying the next morning saying how sorry he was and how bad he felt and how all he wanted to do was get back home to be with me. I believed him at first, but I knew for sure any trust I had for him had gone down the drain. And after thinking about it, I decided not to break up with him.

A week after this incident, on Sunday his ex was texting him how “I didn’t deserve him” and “He’s supposed to marry her, not me” and then she called him yelling and I could tell it hurt him and he went from telling me “I really want us to work out”, something he’d told me maybe 3 hours before, to “I don’t know what I want.” I left his house earlier than usual because I was too hurt and I didn’t really want to be around him at that point. Him and I texted as usual but I was distant from the conversation. The next day, when I come home from school he tells me that I’m what he wants and that he wasn’t happy in that relationship and I’ve made him really happy.

So then we’re fine again, we’re really happy until it all came crashing down. On Dec. 14, 11 at night, he calls me. I’d normally be on the phone with him but he’d been acting weird for the last 2 weeks and refused to call me at night. I was sleeping because I had to be up early that Saturday morning. I didn’t hear much because I’d woken up but all I did hear was “(Insert Ex’s Name) found your Instagram and is starting stuff.” After talking for a bit, he decided he was going to come and get me. I then looked at his texts that he’d been sending me and one that really hurt was “Tell (insert ex’s name) that we weren’t dating in September.” Whenever he came and got me I was quiet but he swore that he wanted me and said that it was only me. Oh yeah, I found how that he’d been talking to his ex behind my back the previous Sunday.

Then everything spilled out on Dec. 15. One of my friends who was apparently friends with his ex sent me her number and I decided to text her and ask her to leave me out of whatever is going on with her and my ex. And then everything came out. Apparently my ex had told her that he and I had broken up 2 weeks ago and he’d been flirting and trying to get back with her the last two weeks. And then I decided I would go ahead and tell her everything. He was dating his ex 3 months of our relationship. He’d cheated when he went to North Carolina and so much more. Her and I agreed that since I was going to see him that day that I’d talk to him. So when I finally did see him, I didn’t plan on saying how much I knew until later. Well that did work.

He and I were in the car and he tells me “I’m not talking to (insert ex’s name), I promise.” And I was so angry with him that I couldn’t even hide it anymore and I said “Lie to me again.” He said he wasn’t but then I told him I’d been talking to his ex all morning and I laid everything out, and told him every lie that he’d told me and he got very quiet. I told him that I was over this and that I wanted to break up, but he told me he didn’t want that and that he really did love me. Since that had happened that morning/afternoon, we kind of spent our day together like usual. He would try to hold my hand in the car and I would let him but I wouldn’t hold his hand as tightly as he would. We were in the parking lot of where we were gonna eat and he finally admitted to cheating on me and i got upset and walked out the car. But after calming myself down, because I don’t believe in yelling at people, I went back and talked to him calmly. I finally told him I wouldn’t leave him but I dared him to talk to his ex behind my back again. The rest of that day he was so sweet to me and he just seemed so happy. He told me how grateful he was that I was still here and that he wouldn’t mess up like this again. I didn’t trust him but the fact he’d made such an effort to make me happy that day I somewhat believed him.

The next week or so after that things really were better. Every time I was with him he was always so sweet and he just wanted to cuddle and hug and give me kisses. He always texted me and told me he loved me. I don’t think we’d been happier. Then Saturday his ex was calling him on Discord and I got so upset with him but he swore on his life that he wasn’t talking to her. After an hour of not talking to me he calls me and tells me he’s coming over to my house for the night and he said he wanted to surprise me but he figured I was upset. He then called me maybe 30 minutes later telling me he got me my favorite drink and food and I remember crying a little because he’d never made such an effort to make me happy. That night was amazing.

After Christmas I found out he was talking to her again and we broke up. He then a week later angrily tells me he’s “in love with (insert ex’s name)” and told me to find someone else and that genuinely hurt me. Since then he’s been so confusing. He’ll ignore me, he’ll chat with me or he’ll call me and talk to me like he used to. Last Sunday he told me that his ex his coming to our state and I’ve just been so hurt and dreading her visit because I have to lay in bed and night thinking of everything they’ll be doing together. But according to him, his ex made the decision to come here, not him.

Last night he came over for the first time in a couple weeks and at first he was on his side of my bed but the he started inching closer and closer to the point he was cuddling me. Then after a few hours of cuddling and what not, we start talking. I figured he would block me while his ex was here and he said he was only going to block me that week she’s here and then unblock me. I don’t remember what he said but I remember commenting “Well it hurts because I have to remember that life we planned out together” and he said this back to me: “Well I have to remember it too. I still love you and I do feel bad about what I did.” And I asked him if he even knew what he wanted and he said “Whenever I’m with you, I’m not sure what I want because I remember everything we’ve done.”

All-in-all, I still love him. And if he wanted me back, I would take him back but after he really showed me that he wanted me. Everyone who knows what’s going on blames his ex for his thinking but also blames him. Thing is, is that I don’t really know if I still have a chance of that or not. I just want some sort of sign of if I should let go or I should stick around just a while longer.

I’m just tired of being depressed and I don’t really know how to get out of it either..