Sorry this might be a long post. I just need to vent.

I had a miscarriage july 2017. We tried for the next yr and a half and finally we got pregnant again! Unfortunately I miscarried 10wks later. It hit me really hard and I have been depressed ever since. I am on meds now and want to start seeing a counselor to work through some shit.

I am also dealing with a lot of shit at work, to the point where I have no choice but to look for another job. I feel so underappreciated and my boss litterly told me, it doesnt matter how long someones been here. So he has no loyalty to his staff who have help him build his company from 16 people to over 70 and have worked for him for 9 yrs.

To add to the pile of mounding stress, my husbands family seems to have kind of forgotten about us...i have tried to reach out to them but have been met with silence. It hurts

To top it all off, my husband can not understand why I am depressed. Even tho i have told him why about 5 times now, he still doesnt get it.

My husband is not good with emotions, infact i actually believe he has borderline personality disorder. He is working on it but it is a very slow and painful journey. A lot of understanding on my part but now its growing thin. I am so tired of always feeling emotionally drained.

Through out our relationship (9 yrs)he has accused me countless times of having feelings for someone else when I have given him ZERO reason to believe this. Usually a day or 2 later hes over it but it leaves me scared everytime. The wound gets deeper every time.

He gets mad at me for everything...and then wont tell me why hes so mad. I have told him if he doesnt tell me then I cant change but that doesnt help

He tells me all the time that I 'nag' him but he doesnt realize that what I 'nag' him about are my feeling and how he makes me feel sometimes.

God forbid I want to feel loved and want to be treated like a queen instead of a peasant.

Jan 19 I went over to a friends house. He was welcome to come but decided to stay home. I texted him around 10 and he said he was going to bed and for me to stay and have a good time. I got jome around 3am-ish and he was pissed! Why?! I have no idea

Jan 20 i stayed up until 4am (i was at home and I work the night shift during winter) he was pissed at me. Again I have no idea why

Tonight i went out for a smoke at 1am and then was going to bed. My husband comes downstairs for a smoke. Asks me snarkly "like how much do u smoke when u stay up?" I get defensive as it was my first smoke and then he gets mad at me saying he was just curious. He goes up to bed and lays facing away from me. I get into bed and lay away from him. After about 5 mins he gets up and goes downstairs angerly leaving me upstairs. WTF?!

I am so tired of him getting mad at me and not discussing it with me.

I suffer from severe anxiety and when he gets mad he starts yelling so at this point I am not even talking to him for fear I will just get yelled at. I really hate it when my neighbors can hear him yell at me but he doesnt care.

Dont get me wrong. He is really good with my anxiety issues and he is not a dick the whole time. I love him but sometimes I dont feel like he really loves me...all the time

He has had a shitty childhood and I try to make his adult yrs better but he does not seem to appreciate how much i have stuck up for him and stood by him when I felt like leaving and by rights should have left.

I dont know what I am expecting to get out of this post. Maybe I am over reacting.

If you made it to the end of this, thank you for reading. I hope this made sense.