I have my days where I want nothing more than to curl into a ball and just be by myself. Where I shut everyone and everything out because it’s bad again. My depression and anxiety work together to make me feel as if the world is against me, so I don’t want to face anyone out of fear of people hating me. It affects my relationship with my fiancé, my friends, my parents, and my brothers. The worst one being my fiancé. When days are bad, my mind likes to play tricks on me. It likes to flip words and the way things are said to make me feel as if he doesn’t love me and as if he never has. My mind loves to manipulate the way his voice comes across to sound as if he’s annoyed, or just done with me. I try and push past these thoughts, but more often than not, I can’t. I’m stuck feeling as if he doesn’t love me and as if he’s interested in other things and other people. Growing up with a father who cheated on my mother with multiple women, and then cheated again on his 3 other wives, I come with a lot of trust issues when it comes to cheating. Though my fiancé has not given me any indication he is cheating nor that he ever will, my brain loves to fuck with me and tell me he’s finding happiness elsewhere. My brain tells me I’m not his happiness anymore and that I’m not worth his time.

And then there are times when I’m so happy. So confident in myself and in my relationships. My friends and I go out and go shopping. My mom and I spend time together. I talk to my brothers who are stationed on opposite sides of the country. My relationship with my fiancé flourishes when my brain isn’t in a low. I feel loved and I accept it. I don’t push people away and I love the way I feel.

But I have more bad days than good ones. I’m just trying to work my way through it.