To everyone who’s told me that I’m perfect,

I know that I usually come off as confident and happy, so I know it surprises you when I share the truth with you. But when I tell you that I actually hate the way I look and always have, please don’t tell me that I should be happy with myself or that if you were me you would love yourself. I obviously don’t see what you see. Because what you don’t know is that I spend hours picking out an outfit and my entire day will still be ruined because I don’t think anything looks right. I spend hours, literal hours, on social media scrolling through the feeds of other women and models comparing myself. My first thought when I meet another woman, friend or stranger, is “She’s better than me, and here’s why”. I don’t know how to love myself. Growing up, and still today, I get told that I’m perfect or that I’m beautiful, and I don’t know what to do with that information. I don’t agree, I don’t see it. Nothing helps either. Not makeup, not an outfit I actually like, not not wearing makeup, not doing something with my hair, not showing skin, not covering up. I always find flaws everywhere.

I haven’t talked to my therapist in a while, but I have an appointment set up and plan on discussing this with him but whenever I talk about it I feel stupid, like I’m just overreacting or exaggerating, that what I’m feeling is just how it is.