A post I’d hoped and prayed I’d never write, I guess many women on here hoped and prayed they’d never write.

Today at around 6.10pm I lost our baby at 11 weeks.

It was our first time TTC and we’d got positive after our first month of trying, pure joy filled our hearts and lives.

Everything was fine, I’d had sickness, tender breasts, mood swings. First midwife appointment went fantastically - bloods were fine just had a small UTI which they put me on antibiotics for.

Scheduled our first scan for 2nd Feb. Saturday just gone - I did some housework as I normally would on a Saturday, absolutely fine. My partner came home from being out with his nephew and I’d noticed some spotting, I wasn’t alarmed. It wasn’t a lot and I had no cramping, id also experienced this at the beginning of the pregnancy after we’d had sex, so assumed it was just sensitivity.

Spotting didn’t let up, so called Early Pregnancy Unit on Sunday - scheduled us in for a scan yesterday to check everything was ok.

Spotting continued on and off - went to scan, we were then told our baby was only measuring 9 weeks, the gestational sac measuring only 10 weeks, they did an ultrasound and an internal scan and still no heartbeat. Returned to nurses office who then said they’d book us in for another scan next week to confirm and to expect blood and pain.

Yesterday our world came crashing down... I spend the whole day crying, my partner spent the whole day wondering how he could help me. We finally fell asleep around 5am this morning.

Around 3pm this afternoon the cramps began, and boy did they come...I can only assume they were like contractions, came in waves. I was on and off the toilet the whole time. Screaming in pain buckled over on the sofa. Crying because of the physical pain but also, for the loss of our baby.

Finally our baby came out around 40 minutes ago, she’s currently wrapped up in a tissue whilst we decide what we want to do with her but we know we want to do something.

The pain, is indescribable, id never wish this on my worst enemy. The tears just keep rolling down my face even as I write this, I just want the pain, physically and mentally, and bleeding to end.

No matter what people say, it was a baby. We loved our baby from the moment we saw the little pregnant sign on the test. From that moment on it was a baby. Lots of people don’t understand what its like to go through a miscarriage, and god I wish I didn’t either. But now I’m part of a club, a club that you don’t really want to be part of but somehow you find yourself in it. Irrational fear sets in and I’m wondering if we’ll ever be able to have a baby, or is this it, am I going to be stuck in a cycle of miscarriages forever. I don’t know and Jesus I hope not. But what I do know, is this fucking hurts (excuse my french) I want our baby, and I just can’t have her