Reading happy birth stories used to make me really happy and hopeful. After I had my baby boy almost 4 months ago all I feel when I read them is pain and sorrow. Sorrow because i couldn't follow my birth plan, or at the very least make it to full term. I couldn't room with my baby, breastfeeding was a fail because he couldn't have real food and the pump was not working for me. Anger because I was in my room all by myself while I didn't know what was going on with my baby boy. Heartbroken because while most moms went home with their babies I came home alone. The things people said to me, a nurse said "I wish you wouldn't just give up" about breastfeeding, another walked into my room and looked around and asked where the baby was. She stopped dead in her tracks when I said the NICU. People constantly telling me that "he's where he needs to be", "at least it's only a few days", "we have to wait for the doctor". wish I didn't feel this way. I'm happy for the ladies that had great experiences. I hope the next one is better but I'm so scared from the first one who knows if I can do it again.

This is me right after giving birth, I'm so overheated, dehydrated, and drugged up on magnesium I couldn't really comprehend what was happening and I still dont remember half of my labor. He was taken to the NICU about a minute later when he had trouble remembering to breath

Born at 36weeks and 1 day, 5lbs 1.5oz

But here's my pudgy boy now :)