If you have time please read this?

I would have never thought the man I love would think about putting his hands on me. It started kind of at the beginning of our relationship where I made the mistake and cheated on him. I was working at a fast food place and this I thought at the time was cute. This guy was giving me all the attention I needed ,that my boyfriend wasn’t giving me. I left my boyfriend to talk to this guy. I then felt hurt and guilty because I knew my heart didn’t want this guy I wanted the man I loved back. So then my boyfriend and I started texting each other ,we got back together. Couple days later I slept over his house and we were laying down getting ready for bed I don’t remember how it was brought up with the situation about that guy but my man choked me up out of anger. I cried quietly and then he tried apologizing. A year later we got married when he came back from AIT (school for military members) for holiday leave (vacation) and a couple months later went by in 2018 we finally got our house together. July 31st is when I came down to the place he was stationed at. I think it was a month or two that went by and we were playing around this one night. I took his phone out of his hand and I saw this girl on his Snapchat with her chest out. It made me really mad and so I pulled out a knife on him. Now I wasn’t going to stab him or anything but I’m just crazy like that. I was threatening to leave out of the house and he just kept saying you have no where to go. I knew I couldn’t walk out that door. He told me to come lay next to him and I had the knife in my hand he told me to put it down and I had it in my right hand (like I said I wasn’t going to stab him) but after the third time he told me to put it down he slapped me in face so hard that I threw the knife across the room and just cried my eyes out. He said he did that for protection. I am so much shorter than him and he knows he is stronger than me. One month later and I found out I was pregnant. He was away for NTC and I had to wait a whole month to tell him I was pregnant. We both were shocked, I was excited. Around November is when I tried to attempt to overdose. It was his fault and he made me feel that way. I checked myself into behavioral health later that night I tried too overdose. The reasons why for me to feel suicidal is because he was hiding things behind my back that we made promises too, broke those promises. He would call me fat ,ugly, and a bitch jokingly. It wasn’t a joke to me and it hurt me very much. I told him that but he didn’t take that into consideration. Three days later we saw each other again and it was a feeling I had when we first started dating. It was soon close to holiday leave we went to our home state for the holidays. We came back around the beginning of this month. Things were getting stressful and hard considering he was deploying eventually in a couple of weeks. Before we left to go somewhere we were goofing around and he was playing to rough with my dog ,made him cry. So I kicked him hard where he almost fell. He came up to me and pulled me by my hair and told me never do that again. At the time we had roommates I ran up to them and I told them what happened the female said “you shouldn’t put your hands on him he has a right to put his hands on you”. I was just crushed I needed a female.... One night he was making himself dinner and we were already not in the best mood ,he fed his dog something to eat (I hate his dog because of my reasons) and pushed my dog to the side. Obviously i got frustrated, I got up and was walking towards the kitchen and I yelled move to the dogs. He ran up to me and choked me so hard I couldn’t breathe. He called me a piece of shit and told me to shut the fuck up. I felt done and gone. After a minutes later he asked me to cuddle with him and I did ,I was scared because I don’t know what else he would do to me. I just did what he asked. I’ve been with this man for 4 years and married for one year. He knows about my horrible past. I was sexual assaulted when I was younger and 3 years ago. I was raped 5 years ago. I gave him my heart, trust ,and love. He changed during our time apart last year. I love him so much but I don’t know why. I see his sweet side and one of the reasons why I fell in love with him. But who he is now I didn’t marry that.