It hasn’t even been a month yet, and I’m in this stage of grief where I am either angry or sad. It swings, often. Unfortunately, this creates a cozy environment for a green eyed monster.

It wasn’t too bad until today, when I got the ugly taste of envy. One of my former college acquaintances just announced her pregnancy today on FB. She’s due in June, a month before I was.

And I just felt so angry and it felt unfair. The following thoughts make me hate myself:

- She’s not even in a relationship (which normally wouldn’t bother me, because I could care less about that stuff)

-She’s younger than me by about 3 years (and come on, that doesn’t matter, all of my friends have had babies since we were 19, nothing new)

-And the good ‘ole Why me? Why don’t I get to have this? I never got to make my Harry Potter themed announcement because Rory was due on Harry Potter’s birthday. I never got to know what the sex was. I never got to see specific facial features. And. I will never get to hold my baby. Why me? Why did I become a statistic?

How do I quell these feelings? I just feel so toxic and both my sisters are pregnant and I don’t want them to be around that. Pretty sure i’ll have a hard time being cheerful at my older sister’s baby shower next week. And then my younger sister’s whose will have been the same time was because we were due two weeks apart. I’ll probably fall apart after seeing their little baby faces.

Sorry, I just had to get this off my chest.

Right now it feels as if I’ll never get over it, like there’s a gaping whole inside of me nothing can fill.

I just started my post-bacc program, and I can get free counseling from my school and I’m hoping that’ll help a little. I had depression before this, and I’m trying to avoid any meds because we’re TTC in March.