I want to start of by saying I’m very open minded regarding sexuality and relationships. I think everyone should be free to live and love however is right for them.

That said, I’m really struggling with something regarding close friends of mine. It feels unreal, like a nightmare.

Here’s the story:

I’ve been best friends with M since we were 14. We are now 38.

In college he introduced me to H. I always thought he might be gay, but he told me he liked girls, and here he was with this beautiful young woman on his arm — so who was I to question it?

H and I became roommates, and then I became best friends with her, too. I stood up in their wedding, and now I’m “Auntie” to their 3 beautiful boys. We are truly like family.

Then last year she started being open with me that they were having marital problems, and she told me they might divorce.

Then, just before Christmas, M came out. He told his wife, and me, and his kids. Then his mother, etc, that he is gay.

I thought maybe he was struggling over time and came to the realization — but he says no.

He says he knew he was gay since puberty, and dated and married H anyway so he could have a certain kind of life, kids, etc.

H asked him how he could have sex with her for all those years... and he said, basically, he would just pretend she was a man.

Obviously she’s very upset, confused, angry (and seeing a therapist). She feels her whole adult life (she’s been with him from age 18-37) has been a lie, and he tricked her; robbed her.

I love M and I want him to be happy, and to live his truth... I told him this... but I also asked if he doesn’t feel it was wrong to lie to H about something like that for so long.

He says no, and tells me he did nothing wrong. His reasoning is that they both wanted that life, marriage and kids, and she probably knew deep down he was gay, so it’s her fault too.

But I assure you: If he’d told her he was gay and then asked if she wanted to marry him, knowing that, she would have run screaming.

Now they’re trying to finalize the divorce, still living together with the kids, fighting awfully over money, and he’s out almost every night with one of 3 or so men he is now seeing.

I’m trying to be a friend to both of them during this hard time, but I’m struggling.

To be honest, I am mad at M for what he did to H. He tells me “I didn’t choose to be gay”, which I understand, but he did choose for H to unknowingly marry a gay man.

M called me tonight and I didn’t answer, because I just didn’t have the strength to put on my “I’m there for you, buddy” good listener hat to hear him tell me about all his Ok Cupid dates, and complain that H isn’t giving him enough money in the settlement.

Meanwhile, I’m just worried about both of them, I’m so very worried about their 3 boys, and I’m worried about my friendships that are dear to me.

H’s mom told me I’m going to have to choose at some point, but how can I?

I needed to vent. Thank you for reading.