As the title explains, I honestly think I am a toxic girlfriend.

I’m paranoid when it comes to my bf interacting with other girls and even MEN even tho he has specifically stated that he is straight. My boyfriend is extremely nice and he seems to always have this smile on him whenever he speaks to others and I get paranoid that he’ll leave. Obviously, this can make him feel restrictive so that’s already one toxic trait of mine.

I’m manipulative. I speak in such a way where I can victimise myself in a situation and instead make him feel like the villain in all of this. I also tend to ‘test’ him by doing ‘pranks’ to see how he’d respond to some situations.

I’m both cold and sensitive. I’m cold towards him when we’re in a fight and I seem to have no sense of emotions or remorse until the fight is over, however, I’m also sensitive since after the fight is over, I tend to regret everything however the damage is already done. I have a history of self harm so of course, I tend to self harm which again, makes my bf the ‘villain’.

I get annoyed easily and I’m impatient. Pretty self explanatory there.

Due to my paranoia, I tend to make ‘back up plans’ in case our relationship goes wrong in which case, I tend to string along other men and attempt to distance myself with him however, I have never cheated nor sent suggestive texts or photos or committed suggestive actions in real life. Just flirting.

I feel like I’m such the picture perfect image of a girl who has ‘daddy issues’.

I want to explain why our relationship dynamic is like this, and I am in no way deflecting off of the fact that what I do is unacceptable

We both have had prior childhood issues that caused mental problems to us both however, it seemed to have developed the opposite effects to the both of us with him seemingly having a more submissive, insecure personality while I have a more dominant, abusive personality.

We only had each other as children which is why I can’t let him go, and he can’t let me go either, no matter how fucking of a terrible person i am.

And so for him, I want to ask for advice to become a better person. I know its pretty obvious to be like “stop being a bitch and be nice” but I just want to know what you would expect from a partner.

I know I sound like a fucking terrible person and I admit that I am but I feel like there is still a piece of me that does truly, purely love him. I want him and I to succeed because he is my world. And yes of course, you can recommend that we separate however, we have spent so many years together through childhood and the teenage years that we cannot simply ‘let go’.

I have not been professionally diagnosed with any mental illnesses since my behaviour is more localised to him however, I do self harm and I am hypersensitive to some situations along with sudden mood swings that range from uncontrollable dread to excitement and pure joy. These happen more frequently than those with bipolar so i honestly don’t know what I could possibly have, or if I even have one.

He has also not been professionally diagnosed however he is more prone to feelings of dread and uselessness and paranoia of me leaving him. He has not self harmed however is suicidal and has committed suicide attempts in the past however claims to have not attempted in the recent 5 yrs.

I know this is a serious matter that shouldn’t just be posted onto an app but I want to resolve this in the easiest way possible, with real people and real characters that I can interact with and explain to in order to receive the best outcome. So please, any advice is valuable.

I love him. He is my best friend and my boyfriend. And just for once, I want to show him the love that he deserves.