This month makes 19 months of TTC. I was only recently diagnosed with PCOS which has been bittersweet. On one hand it’s comforting to finally know why it’s not happening, but it doesn’t make struggling with infertility any easier. We’ve gotten better at living with and surviving our infertility- but that’s just it, it’s about surviving. Surviving the two early miscarriages, surviving the baby showers, surviving the kid birthday parties as my friends’ babies all grow another year older and I still can’t get pregnant and hold on to it. Today is my sister in laws baby shower, which I was only told about just 24 hours ago. I bought the presents, wrapped them in cute paper, and can’t help but feel like I’ll never make it to the other end of this. Today is my 5th baby shower since we’ve started TTC, and this coming Friday will be my 6th.

Some days carrying on is easier than others- today is not going to be one of those days, or one of those weeks. But what else can I do except keep buying those presents, keep smiling to hide the tears, and keep surviving. I just hope some day I’ll get a baby shower of my own.