Hi to whoever is reading this. I highly doubt anyone is, but I just wanted somewhere to vent without my friends/family pitying me.

A bit of background: I’m 18 years old, size 8 (UK size) probability weight about 8 stone, 5 ft, 7 in.

I absolutely hate my body. People tell me I’m lucky that I’m skinny, but I still notice the fat on my stomach and around my hips. I joke about eating too much all the time, but it’s always been a subconscious dig at myself. When I was younger (11-15) I would eat probably 1 meal a day. Not because I wanted to starve or lose weight, it was honestly just because I couldn’t be bothered to make myself food, so I just didn’t eat. It got to the point where I’d have excruciatingly painful stomach aches, so I’d also miss the only meal I had in the day. I also am very active. I dance 6 days a week, with an average of about 4 hours a day consisting of pretty intense dancing.

Recently, I’ve just been cast the role of Princess Jasmine in Aladdin, and I’m absolutely dreading having to wear the costume due to my stomach. My head is all over the place, for example, today I wore a crop top, but because I was in a rush I forgot my jumper, meaning I had to wear this top and I felt so self conscious, to the point that I thought people were laughing at me.

I absolutely know that eating one meal a day and then immediately burning off the whole meal is not a great way of dealing with things, but I don’t know what else to do. I know some of my friends will probably notice, but I don’t want them to talk to me about it, or worry about me. I know they care, that’s why I have no idea what to do with myself.

I also cannot physically stop thinking about food, which makes it even harder.

One part of me is saying that it doesn’t care, as long as I’m eating yummy food, it doesn’t matter, but the overruling part of me is thinking “fat” every time I put something in my mouth. I try not to listen, but it’s getting to the point where I’m giving in.

I hate bringing subjects like this up because I am skinny. People want to be skinny, so why don’t I absolutely love my body? I don’t want to explain to people what my brain is telling me constantly, so I just make jokes about it, but it’s an issue. It’s a big issue. I need help and I have no idea how to address this.