My boyfriend is so incredibly smart, and very money operated. He loves coming up with business venture almost constantly. It’s his thing. He just has a hard time carrying through and executing them and maintaining our relationship at the same time.

Back in August, he said he was starting to grow marijuana to sell to the dispensaries around us. I was okay with it. It was one of the hardest months of my life. I’ve been suffering badly from depressive episodes and panic attacks as a result of my hbc. This was the worst of it. I was crying every day and having multiple debilitating panic attacks a day. I was trying my hardest in school, threw myself hard into my choir and prayed I would get out of it. He wasn’t there for me. If I texted him and told him what was going on, he’d say “Aw I’m sorry.” and then leave me alone for another 16 hours and I’d never get to talk to him about how I was feeling. Then, my choir has a small performance and he’s usually always come to them, and I’d told him about it 2 weeks earlier so that he’d be there. He told me the entire time that he would. Until the day of, its about 20 minutes before were performing and he hasn’t texted me once. I finally hear from him and he asks me what I’m doing. I tell him choir performance and he says “Oh yeah.” and then tells me he has to go because his lights got delivered and he was going to go set them up.

I didn’t hear from him again for hours. I stopped trying to contact him but it really hurt me. He put that plant ahead of me, and it even kept him from staying over on weekends. Did it happen? No. The plant slowly faded into the background of convention until eventually he tells me it died. He bought 6 new plants but now it’s all for personal use.

Once I came out of this time, by myself, I was more lenient. It didn’t matter if he never called me when he said would of stopped making plans and texting me. I was doing my own thing.

I bring this up because I am back where I was again, at the worst part of my life mentally and he is focused on a project. This time, a resale company with his friend. There’s no time for me to tell him how I’m doing. He doesn’t care to make time to even respond. I texted him to catch up with him and he said he was working so I asked if I should text him later and he said he wasn’t busy. Then he never texted me back, posted on Snapchat a bunch about what his office looks like. I stayed up for hours because he said he was going to call me and I realized how stupid it is. It wasn’t until 3am that he responded. Shortly. I knew he was upset about something so I asked him what it was and he unloaded all of his stress about this carpet into me and I told him I was there and I could help him out with them if he needed me to. I asked if he wanted to be left alone and he said yes.

I’m tired of feeling like everything else is a priority in life over me. I do everything possible to be incredibly supportive of him and I’m always there at the worst times for him even just the bad times. Maybe this is stupid or ridiculous but he keeps telling me to open up to him and he never even makes himself available to me.