Warning - long and somewhat of a braggy post!

Today is World Breast Pumping Day, and as an exclusive pumper I felt somewhat compelled to share some of our journey.

Before I even got pregnant, I knew that I wanted to breastfeed. So once we got pregnant with Liam, the decision of how I’d feed him had already been made. I did my research, read books and went to the classes all to get prepared. I knew it would be an insanely tough journey but I still felt it was the best decision for him and for me. I feel like I went into it with realistic expectations, and knew it would be something we’d both have to work at. I set a goal to breastfeed for a year, and put a lot of pressure on myself knowing that people close to me were having such amazing success with breastfeeding. I wanted to be able to be just as successful, for fear of being compared.

When Liam arrived, learning how to breastfeed was a challenge for both of us. I didn’t get much help at the hospital and was sent home with them saying “you have a pump, he’ll be fine”. The minute we got home from the hospital we sterilized the pumping equipment and I began pumping. I thankfully was able to have My cousin’s wife come over and help me out, show me some tricks and give me tips. With her amazing help we got it!!

We breastfed for close to two weeks I want to say, when I started to have doubts that he was getting enough. Being a first time mom, I thought him wanting to feed all the time meant I was doing something wrong. Looking back, I’m sure he was getting enough and it was just a cluster feeding type of day. Having that doubt in my mind already combined with hearing “he’s hungry. You’re not feeding him enough” led me to begin pumping again and switch to bottle feeding. We never looked back after that, and I think about that often. Giving him breastmilk in a bottle made me feel more at ease because I could actually see what he was eating, and knew he stopped eating because he was full. Not because he was working too hard to get milk and getting tired.

Breastfeeding is hard, but pumping is no joke either. Pumping is just as hard, if not harder, on “the girls” as breastfeeding him was for me. For night feedings, I didn’t get to feed him, settle him and go back to bed. I had to feed him, settle him, pump for 20 minutes, get his next bottle ready, clean up from pumping and then go to bed... it was rough. It’s exhausting. Once he started sleeping through the night I skipped night pumps, and man that was painful.

Now, I spend 20 minutes every 3-4 hours hooked up to my pump. I’ve had to feed like while pumping at the same time. I’ve had to pump while he’s been in the bouncer or in the swing screaming to be held but there wasn’t anything I could do in that moment other than caress his head or stoke his cheek and try to soothe him. I’ve sat there crying just as hard as him, because I felt so horrible.

Yes, pumping allows me the ability to let him be with Matt (my fiancé) or other family members for some time during the day. But I can’t leave my pump. I’ve pumped in quite a few parking lots, in the middle of parties, in the middle of shopping trips, as a passenger at a gas station and on the 401. There are days where I would kill for a nap while he sleeps, but can’t because my next pump is too close. I work my ass off each day to make sure he gets all the milk he needs.

As of today I have 2,915 ounces in my freezer! I am beyond proud of myself and the amount of work and time I have put in to building that stash. There are 46 large ziplocks in there, each filled with 11-12 individual bags of milk. There’s no room for food, it’s all milk. I can’t believe I’ve made it this far. I’ve been freezing milk for almost 8 months now, and won’t stop until I have enough to get him over a year. The thought of stopping actually makes me a bit sad, but I know we’re coming to the end of our journey with pumping and I’m slowly becoming okay with that. It will be nice to be completely free of worrying about when I have to pump next!

If you’ve made it this far, I appreciate you taking the time to read about our journey!