My parents adopted three boys when I was fifteen. The two younger ones have had their share of trauma and issues, and we did not get them until they were 4 & 5. However, they are loving and wonderful. The eldest was adopted at a later age (almost 9). He has never bonded the same, and never responded to any kind of discipline. Never.

My mom and dad have taken him to many professionals. My mom took him to a behavioral psychologist at a university who basically said he had high anxiety, but never gave her help with how to deal with it. She looked up loads of books on how to help, implemented them for months on end, and he still wouldn’t respond to anything.

Right before he turned 14, he started verbally and emotionally abusing my middle brother. They did everything they could to intervene. Eventually, he and my youngest brother started coming to stay with me after school so that he couldn’t interact poorly with them. We started by taking him after school, but he left me a hate note that said he was ‘glad my baby died’ after experiencing a heartbreaking miscarriage earlier that year.

My parents have taken him to therapy since the beginning. He won’t talk to them, nor will he talk to the therapists on any serious level. He told one of his therapists that he was going to be an anesthesiologist, but refused to talk about his schooling, and that despite extensive tutoring that he was failing 6 of his 7 classes. And, if that part of it wasn’t enough, he was getting A’s or B’s on his tests and just not turning in major projects and homework assignments... even if they were worked on at home, which is why he was failing.

He spread rumors that my parents were abusing him. He said they they didn’t feed him, and that they hit him all the time. Corporal punishment is legal in my state, and even then, my parents have laid their hands on him about 4 times total in the 8 years he’s lived with us, and it was well within legal boundaries.

This brings us up to pretty recently. He threatened to commit suicide, which my parents took seriously. They made appointments with his therapist and doctor. A catastrophic event at the house before his appointments the next week led to to him being institutionalized for the suicide attempts, and he is now in residential treatment. He got several diagnoses, and we got some limited direction, but he refuses to take responsibility for anything, and his therapist is very concerned about him coming back. He also has continued saying he’d commit suicide if he comes back (he’s been in heavy therapy for nearly 8 weeks now). The therapist suggested a therapeutic boys’ school, but those range from $2,000-8,000 a month. Residential treatment without the aid of insurance is nearly $20,000 a month in most places, and the insurance will pay for a max of 4 months, even if it’s deemed he needs longer.

We are so at a loss. My husband and I bought our home with my parents. We are very close to both them, and my little brothers. I don’t know what we’re going to do. My parents have done all the things they were supposed to. They have tried many discipline techniques to get through to this young man. We’re not sure it’s safe for him, or for any of us, for him to come back. He also threatened homicide (one of the catalysts to the institution). His therapist shares similar concerns. My mom has been asking for years and years to get him help, and it took this kind of catastrophic event to get anything. I also don’t think our situation is isolated. His educators have tried limitedly to help, and definitely have tried to be in my parent’s court, but they can only do so much.

I don’t mean to demonize this kid. He did have trauma. However, he’s abusive to others, especially to my mom and middle brother, and refuses to admit fault in any situation. He needs help, and in our rural community, I don’t know what help will be available. My parents discipline him. They’ve tried so many methods. They asked for help from all the people they should have, and no one and nothing had gotten through to him. They also love him, and thats one of the reasons it’s been so painful. I really don’t know what we’re going to do. Thanks for reading if you did. There’s no good answer right now, but I felt like maybe if I could get it all out, something might come to me. I’m wishing that none of you ever have to deal with anything like this. Good luck to all you lovely parents out there 💜