Life has been a mess...

I've been with a guy with almost a year now (will be March 13th). And I've love every second of it until New Years night. I asked my boyfriend if he could text me all night because he said he wasnt going to party. He said yes because he know what happened New Years 2018. ( my friend died) Turns out he goes over to our friends house. A girl that is both of our friends, my boyfriend, at a guys house. My guy friend had them play games like truth or dare, strip and more. The girl ended up sticking her hand down my boyfriend pants, my bf fingered her and the kissed. Then he got both the girl and my boyfriend drunk and they ended up making out. (Keep in mind she had a gf too). I did not find out from my boyfriend but the guy. I was heart broken and still am. I got into a fight with my boyfriend about it and we havent been okay. I needed him and not only did he cheat but he lied when I needed him most. I struggle from depression and I've almost committed multiple times. He expected me to forgive him and I couldn't so I just barried it down. Now when I do try to bring it up he gets upset and tells me hes going to kill himself we cant even talk about it. I fear that I'm falling out of love but I'll be stuck cause if I ever try to leave he will kill himself. I dont know what to do anymore. 😭😭 I cant show my feelings or what I want. I give him all of me but i get nothing in return. For example 2 weeks ago we had sex( I barley knew what was going on cause I was trying to hold in anxitey and panic attacks) now today I threw up this morning and multiply times throughout the day. I also have cramps. I brought up to him and he told me I'm over reacting and that I couldn't be pregnant because he never came. But i fear that i am right.